


From The Future

by berouja



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: 2min - Freeform, Angst, Drama, M/M, elements of sci-fi, originally posted in aff, taemin and kai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 43,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24423814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berouja/pseuds/berouja
Summary: Kai, Taemin's son must go back to the past to help his father get the man that would make him happy.
Relationships: Choi Minho/Lee Taemin, Kim Jongin | Kai & Lee Taemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. Serendipity

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted in AFF under the pseudonym words_r_useless in 2013. I've decided to migrate the story here.

_Serendipity (n.)_

\- _Sometimes the things you ask for turn out in ways you don’t expect._

As far as meeting your son goes, mine was a disappointment. No warm feeling in my heart or upturn of the stomach, no fear of whether you would be a good parent or not, just a feeling of utmost disbelief and surprise.

It was another Friday night, which means party night. Well, for most of my classmates anyway. Party night denotes being stuck in my make-shift science laboratory provided by my parents trying to make scientific breakthrough. Trying. I am sixteen and in my last year at the university and during the last few years I’ve achieved significant fame in the scientific community for my work in particle physics. I am a genius, so they say. Frankly, I’m just a hard worker – a curious and a bored hard worker.

When I was eight, I started to read about Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, since then I’ve been trying to prove that time travel can happen. I am fascinated with the idea that when a things travels to the speed of light, time can slow down, thus enabling the thing to be in a future point in the time-space continuum. In theory, this is of course possible, but many scientists discounted time travel to the past. I wanted to prove them wrong.

Only if I can get this formula correct.

As time droned by, I heard a loud crash from the next room. Not that I minded because I was nowhere close to cracking the formula I am looking for. I stood up from my work table and grabbed a metal rod. You never know when a metal rod might come in handy. I walked out of my lab and opened the door of the room where the sound came from.

And there he was, a guy probably my age, standing, covered in soot and dressed in some weird clothing, His hair was dishevelled and he looked a lot like me.

“Who the hell are you?” I asked curiously.

The boy approached me enthusiastically and hugged me too tight. Under normal circumstances when a foreign creature tries to hug me, I would have run away in alarm and distress. But there was something eerily familiar with this boy. It’s as if I knew him, or at least a part of me does.

“Thank you thank you thank you it was you who showed up. I was afraid it would be somebody else,” he said whilst still latched on me.

I pushed the strange boy away and pried him off me. He really does look like me. Suddenly, a thousand thoughts bolted through my mind. What if this boy was a secret government clone project to duplicate my genius and he is about to take over my life and he’s here on mission to kill me? What if this was my twin brother who was separated from our family and now he’s come back to reclaim his rightful place? I wanted to ask him how he got inside this room but somehow all I managed to say was, “Who are you?”

He looked at me funnily, as if the answer was supposed to be obvious. “You really looked like me when you were younger,” he said and he chuckled.

I was perplexed.

“I realize that this is utterly confusing, but you are Lee Taemin are you not?” he asked.

I nodded. How did he know my name? Before I could pry out the information myself, he started to talk again.

“You really are a genius!” he said reverently. “Anyway, Lee Taemin, I am your son, Kai.”

***

I woke up with a colossal headache. I lay there quietly, hoping that I was in my bed and what just happened was a terrible dream. It wasn’t.

The boy named Kai was peering at me with widened eyes. Apparently, I was still on the floor where I fainted. He had this indistinguishable look of worry and amusement on his face.

“Are you alright?” he managed to ask as he helped me sit down.

“Fine. Oh you know, finding out at sixteen that you have a son your age really makes one terribly enthusiastic!” I managed to articulate.

Kai giggled. “My apologies. But I am really your son.”

I rolled my eyes at his pronouncement. “I cannot have a son. First, I am sixteen, and unless I’ve impregnated a woman before I even learned how to say ‘boobs’ then you cannot possibly be my son. Second, have you met me? I am socially inept and totally single, not to mention gay and virgin. So no, you are not my son.”

Kai giggled again. “I never knew my father was this… effervescent. Well, you must believe me. I came from the future… I am your future son.”

“Very funny.” I deadpanned.

“It’s true. In used your formula and your machine for time travel hoping that I’d end up here. And voila! I ended up here.”

I looked at him with shock, “ _My_ formula? _My_ time machine? So you mean I get to figure out the correct formula for time travel and get to make a machine that can jump from one point in time to another?” I asked.

“And you get to win a Nobel Award for that too,” he added.

I was elated. The headache I was harbouring just disappeared and was replaced with anticipation. I stood up and paced around the tiny room with a goofy grin plastered on my face. I looked at Kai and asked him, “So the formula, what is it?”

Kai cocked his head and he pouted – the same pout I use when I want something from my parents. “Sorry dad, can’t tell you. You have to figure it out yourself.”

I huffed. Of course, it would not be that easy. The comforting thought was that I at least get to figure it out eventually, and that was the kind of confidence boost I needed.

“Fine. But if you are my son… does that mean future me is not gay?” I enquire d curiously.

Kai shook his head, a little incredulous may I add. “Still gay… and lonely.”

“Lonely?”

“Yes,” he explained. “Please bear in my mind that I am doing this for your sake because I love you dearly and that I am risking my very existence for doing this. Remember that now so that future-you would not scold me harshly.”

I simply nodded.

“Dad, since I was young, I never saw you smile. Sure, you are a wonderful provider, but you are never really there. You’re always cooped in your laboratory, doing science stuff. Nothing makes you happy, not even your achievements or your money. And you were burning out… sort of dying from loneliness. I wanted to save you so I went to your office and did a little investigation. I found out you were in love. Well, your 17 year-old self was in love. It was all in here,” he finished and took out a notebook from the inner pocket of his coat.

It was my diary.

“How did you get that!?” I shouted.

“Never mind that, yeah? This might as well be a useless journal since I am here to re-write history,” he said nonchalantly.

“Your story. Too many loopholes. Why was I depressed? And I am turning seventeen in a few days does that mean...”

Kai motioned for us to sit on the floor. He sat first and I followed suit. He started to speak again, “In this diary I found out you were in love with Choi Minho.”

Wait. In love? With Choi Minho? _The_ Choi Minho, a fellow senior at the university. Simultaneously the most annoying and smartest student from the Literature department. The one who called me out during a lecture in our Philosophy of Science class. The one who called me a “stiff, too pragmatic scientist with not one romantic bone in my body.”

Kai looked at me knowingly and smirked, “I read it all here. At first you hated him but you eventually fell in love with him. Something about being the only guy you ever knew to insult your,” he flipped through the pages of the diary and stopped at a certain page to read something, “here it is, your ‘unquestionable wealth of scientific acumen,”

I must admit, that indeed sounded like me. But the question still remains: why would I fall in love with someone like him? Furthermore, why would I be heartbroken over him?

“Dad,” he said, pulling me out from my own inquiries, “I know this is a shock. I know you are a mind over heart type of person. But the fact is, and I can attest to that, you fell in love. And he didn’t love you back. Reading through this, it seemed like you didn’t have the courage to pursue him and that you deeply regret that. Too deep that you never loved again… not even my mother.”

I was stunned, “I had a wife?”

“Arranged marriage, dad. I know that during this time Korea is not exactly accepting… but trust me something big will happen that would change all of that. From where I came from, It didn’t even matter at all. Unless you’re an uptight bigot.”

I was still wrapping my head around the notion of me marrying a woman, “Oh wow… this is a lot to take in…” I admitted.

Kai nodded. “I know dad. But you must take it all in. I’m tired of seeing you depressed….”

I looked at Kai and he seemed really upset. Tears started to fall from his eyes. And it hit me. Something inside me welled up from the depth. Something visceral and intuitive, something every parent feels for their offspring – the need to love and protect their child.

Kai may not be my son now, but I knew that him being here had a purpose and I must do my best to help him achieve it. 

__________________

Note on the definition at the top: every chapter I would define the tile, but the definition I would use is **not the actual dictionary definition.**


	2. Flux

Flux (n.)

\- Nothing must stay the same.

When things change, we have two options: adapt or perish. This is the basis of evolution – or at least part of it. Natural Selection states that species of plants and animals that are best adapted to their environment are most likely to survive, while those who are not eventually die out, replaced by the superior, adaptive species.

Sounds rather melodramatic, I know. But it is true. When we were younger, we were taught that change is constant and that we must learn to be flexible and supple and likeable and normal.

I am anything but.

I am neither flexible nor supple. I am difficult to like and not easy to understand. I am complicated and I am not at all normal. That is why I find it rather astonishing that I agreed to what Kai was proposing.

I must change.

***

“So you are saying that I need to seduce a person I barely know on the basis that in the future he will break my heart?” I asked Kai incredulously, dousing my voice with much doubt and suspicion. “I mean, what if none of it happens? You’re here aren’t you? Doesn’t that change everything starting from here to the future?”

Kai looked apprehensive and nervous. Also teary-eyed.

I cannot afford another crying session with this boy. It’s tiring just trying to assuage him.

Kai retorted nevertheless. “Look dad, why is it so hard for you understand this? Don’t you want to change the future?”

I cocked my head to the side and slightly raised my eyebrow, as if expecting him to know the answer already. He did read my diary for goodness’ sake. “I don’t like change,” I said.

“Well too bad, because you know what change happens.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to like them. Anyway, why do you answer me in that manner huh? I am your father after all,” I replied with a smirk.

Kai rolled his eyes, a trait I find both annoying and fascinating. “Because I need you to be happy!” he answered shouting.

“I am happy… I think. Well, as happy as I know I can be. And I promise to be happy until the day I die. Now can you just drop it and go back to wherever… or whenever time you came from.”

By this time I can see him tensing up, as if preparing to attack me. I stepped back, afraid of what might transpire next.

“Don’t you understand? You’re miserable. I thought that you just turned miserable over time but now I realize you’ve been miserable all along. I don’t understand you. This is a chance for you to turn your life around! To be truly happy! Do you think I enjoy watching you die away with loneliness? I need you to be happy because I want you to smile at me and tell me how much you love me. I need you to be there whenever I get an award at school, or to watch me during my dance recitals. I need you to take me out on some father-son trip out of town or heck, to even ground me when I mess things up. Can’t you see? I need a father and not just a figure head, damn it!” Kai ranted. I saw the pain in his eyes, the need to be held and to be appreciated. I saw longing and yearning and the desire to be part of something, the wish to belong to someone.

But clearly he’s missing out on something crucial, something definitive and life-changing. “Say I do this and ‘chase my happiness’ or whatever, what then? What of you? If I end up with him, happy and all sunshine-y, what becomes of you? Huh? Did you not realize that you staying here jeopardizes your very existence?” I asked him.

He looked down. “I know…” he whispered. “I know that… but I have no other means to undo what I’ve done,” Kai admitted.

“What? Can’t you go back… err forward?” I inquired.

“No.”

And then it hit me. Kai is never going to travel to the future. He is going to disappear...“How… how much time do you have?” I asked.

“A year.”

I didn’t know then what convinced me to agree to all this absurdity. Maybe it was the fact that he had so much courage, much more than I’ll ever have. Perhaps it was his determination that made me switch my resolve. Or possibly, only hypothetically, in the span of a few hours, I’ve learned to accept this boy as my son.

***

Change, as we know it, can happen in such insignificant details. Details we normally overlook or brush aside as inconsequential. Such is the horror of change – it is so minute that you never see it coming. Like the way you realize you’ve grown fonder over a boy your age who claims to be your son. That sort of springing up that is somewhat impossible and exciting.

Not that I liked what was happening, mind you. I just happen to be an intelligent person who knew when to acquiesce to change. 

The next day, I enrolled Kai to the university. He might as well do something while he’s here right? Of course I had to do it all under the radar – meaning do it without my parents knowing. Thank goodness my parents were basically impervious to everything I do. They let me do what I want so long as I do not damage their reputation.

The fact that they were part of the university’s board of trustees made things easier too.

So okay, Kai was in the university pretending to be my cousin while I do “life-altering science stuff,” as he calls it. I agreed to the plan, but I still do not see how it will help me “seduce” this Choi Minho rubbish. It’s not like we have much time. We’re both seniors and from different departments at that. The only classes we have together were Philosophy of Science and Linguistics – not the most romance-inducing classes in the world. Also, the semester’s about to end in three weeks. But Kai said he’d take care of it. I never understood why but somehow I trust him, wholly and without taint. Must be the son thing.

I went to my classes and sat at the farthest row like I always did. I do like to see everything in the room, thank you very much. But somehow, something seemed to have changed. During our Philosophy of Science class, I was usually very infuriated with whatever Choi Minho was saying but ever since Kai mentioned the “love” thing I find myself less aggravated by his answers. I started to see merits from what he was saying, which says a lot considering how much he says are quite overly romanticized.

And during Linguistics class I found myself looking at his back instead of deciphering the Kung San language. Maybe it was because I knew what was going to happen. Maybe because I was informed beforehand that there is a possibility that I would fall in love with him. Despite the protestations of my better half – my head – I found myself actually liking him as a person.

Kai hasn’t done anything in weeks now. He just said that things must progress on its own and that he’ll step up when needed. If I were to be honest, I wish he’d do that sooner.

The semester ended in a whirlwind of deadly exams and unreasonable deadlines. Of course, I did get the highest possible grades in all but one course I took – Philosophy of Science.

I was mad and insulted. I was a scientist and a brilliant one at that. The very thought that I did not get the best grade in a course that deals with the ethos of Science is simply unthinkable. It was only through thorough investigation that I found out that Choi Minho got the highest grade.

Somehow, I wasn’t as mad as I should be. But I wouldn’t admit that out loud. Not to Kai and certainly not to myself. 

***

Turns out, Kai’s plan was to get to the same course I am in. I was proud of him for making it through. That’s what fathers do right? Be proud of their son’s accomplishments? The first day of the semester was spent in familiarizing myself and Kai in our schedules.

As we walked in the hallways, I hoped to bump into Choi Minho.

But the connection wasn’t made. No matter how much I drift from the hallway conversation I had, I never drifted to him. Or him to me. And it stung… just a little bit. The halls instead were awash with faces I didn’t know or care about, it was noisy with gossip and senseless post-summer vacation drabble. I looked for Choi Minho as if I were searching for the lost Kingdom of El Dorado.

Instead, I ran into Jinki, or rather he falls into me. Jinki was my bestfriend. Like me, he was a prodigy. He’s currently taking pre-med in the university and plans to specialize in Neurology after. Jinki was a few years older than me but he acts as if he never left middle school. Not that he was childish, he was just… clumsy and awkward.

“Ahhh. I’m so glad you caught me,” he exclaimed. “There’s always too much commotion during the first day of classes!”

“You don’t say,” I answered sarcastically.

Jinki smiled at me. We both knew that sarcasm to me is like sweet talk to others. It was my love language.

Jinki noticed that Kai was beside me, looking lost and bewildered as every college freshman should.

“Who’s that beside you? Your doppelganger?” Jinki inquired.

“Right. This is Kai my err… cousin?” I replied unconvincingly.

Jinki giggled and shook Kai’s hand. “I figured as much. He looks like you after all. My name’s Lee Jinki. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Kai and I exchanged knowing glances as if communicating in our heads. We were both pulled out from our mind meld when Jinki spoke again.

“What’s your first class?” Jinki asked.

I double checked my schedule. “Oh, funny. I don’t remember enlisting in any freshmen-senior mixed class,” I huffed.

“That does not answer my question, ” Jinki retorted.

“Right. Ethics.”

Jinki glanced at his schedule, “Jeoson Hall?” He asked.

“Yep. You, Kai, what’s your first class?” I inquired Kai.

Kai fumbled through his knapsack and took out his very crumpled schedule sheet. I huffed in exasperation. How come I fathered a son that was so disorganized?

“Look at that, I think we’re all classmates!” Kai replied with too much enthusiasm.

“Great. Let’s all go to class then,” Jinki said as he started to skip towards Jeoson Hall.

Once we arrived at the hall, I started to walk towards the furthest seat but Kai pulled me. “We’re sitting here in front,” he insisted.

“No,” I replied sternly.

“Why not?”

“I hate front row seats. I want to sit at the back because I want to see everything.”

Kai answered me by hitching his thumb, signalling me to look at where’s he’s pointing.

And there he was, seated in the third row… Choi Minho. I groaned and let Kai drag me to sit beside the damned man. Jinki, perplexed by what he just witnessed shrugged his shoulders and sat beside Kai. Choi Minho, upon seeing us sitting beside him, engaged us in obligatory first day small talk.

“You’re in this class too?” he asked me as I sat down.

I looked at him and said, “Yes. I didn’t know why it is so or how it happened, but apparently I am in this class.”

And then the unthinkable happened. He let out small mirth and smiled at me.

I should have been annoyed, but the smile that Choi Minho gave me was enough to appease my loathing towards change.

After class I pulled Kai up to the most secluded corner of the room I can find. “Ouch! Tae what was that for?” he asked whilst rubbing his left arm.

“Whoa. I am going to ignore the fact that you just called me Tae.”

“But we’re at school –“

“Fine. Whatever. So, what the hell was that?” I asked.

“What was what?” Kai enquired innocently.

“Why am I in this class?”

“This is the plan.”

I shook my head in annoyance. Having a teenage son is so difficult. They never tell you anything unless it’s actually happening or happened and by then you can do nothing about it. “The plan? You mean your plan which you forgot to discuss with me!” I shouted. The people who were still lingering in the room looked at our direction. I quickly bowed apologetically just in case they assumed I was attacking Kai. Which I wasn’t I was merely scolding my son for his blatant disregard to autonomy – something which teenagers do a lot.

He raised his hands as a sign of defeat and resignation. “I should have told you, alright? But you might not agree with me…” he started to explain.

Immediately, a hundred different things swam through my mind. “Did… did you do something illegal? Or worse, illogical?” I questioned him.

Kai let out a small laugh, “Only you would be disappointed if their son do something illogical,” he said. “No dad I only hacked into the…”

“You what?”

“I hacked the university records and enrolled you in this class.”

I put my palm into my forehead before yanking him out of the lecture hall. “Why would you do that?”

He looked down again, something I notice he does when he’s done something wrong or when he thinks he’s disappointed me. “I’m really sorry, ok. Although in my defence the security system of this university is so easy to break into…. Oh right, not the point. Well… I only did it because it was the only class I knew I could squeeze you in. All of Choi Minho’s class had prerequisites which you haven’t taken. This was the only class in his schedule you both can fit in,” Kai explained.

I huffed, once again, in resignation. I’ve been doing that a lot since Kai came into my life. Now I finally understood why parents with teenage children always look so exasperated.

“Fine. Next time when you think of something, consult them to me first. You realize that things are done differently during this time, don’t you?”

“Yes dad,” he replied.

“Go to your next class… and don’t call me dad unless we’re home. Got it?”

Kai nodded and went on his way. Already, at 10 in the morning, I felt irrevocably tired.

***

Jinki and I sat together for lunch under the mahogany tree in one of the courtyards. Coincidentally, we had the same break time so we decided to spend our lunch hours together. I find it rather comforting to spend lunch with a friend. Normally, I spent my lunch breaks alone under this tree while reading a book or catching up with unread reading materials. The truth is, Jinki was my only friend, and I guess I am his only friend too.

When we both came here at this university, I was 14 and he was 16. To say that we were outcasts is an understatement. We were just two kids then trying to fit in the world of what we thought were adults. While most of your classmates worried about parties and their romances, Jinki and I worried about our wet dreams and puberty.

In a way, we stuck with each other like glue, during our first years until our academics required that both of us spend time apart from each other – me taking classes in Physics and he Medicine. But we try, as often as our schedules permits, to at least spend an hour or two everyday. If there is one person in this world I trust more than me and the laws of gravity, it would be Jinki.

That was why I decided to tell him the truth.

At first, he thought it was a joke, until I explained to him the time machine and the formula and the diary and whatnot. I was in the middle of explaining when Kai saw us from afar and called our names.

“Your son is here,” Jinki teased as Kai made his way towards us. He sat down on my left.

“What are you guys talking about?” he asked.

“You,” I replied.

“What about me?”

“He knows.”

“Knows what?”

Kai looked at me searchingly until he realized what exactly I was referring to. “So… Jinki… you know?” he asked lousily. 

I turned to my right and saw Jinki smile.

“Yup. I mean… wow, you really are his son?”

Kai looked at him in the eye and tensed up. “Yeah… I really am. You’re going to keep this a secret right?”

Jinki reaffirmed him by nodding and smiling wide. The truth is, it is difficult not to trust Jinki. He was sweet, loyal, understanding, and most of all perceptive.

I saw Kai loosen up and sighed. “Well, that’s good. Really good. It means more people to help. Anyway…” he said while he put his hand inside his bag and searched for something.

“Aha!” he said as he found the piece of paper he was looking for. He handed me the paper.

I took it and scanned it and my eyes widened.

“You were invited to the Pi Gamma Bravo mixer party?”

Jinki, upon hearing it, snatched the paper from my hand. “Oh my god. How?” he asked Kai.

Kai shrugged his shoulder. “I just kind of was? There was this junior in my other class and I guess he thought I was cool and handed me this paper.”

“Your son is so cool,” Jinki said, amused.

“What’s the big deal about this anyway?” Kai asked.

“Well the Pi Gamma Bravo are like the Brahmins of the caste in this university. Not that there’s such a thing… the caste. Anyway, they are like really prestigious and selective on whom they invite to their parties…”

Kai nodded, but clearly he was not amused. “You’ve never been invited?” he asked me.

“Never. We are underage, remember?” I said pointedly.

“I am too.”

“Well, they do not know that, do they? Seeing as you tampered with your age.”

“Oh right. They think I’m 18 and all. So the reason I showed you that was to ask you if you wanted to come.”

“Yes!” “No.” Jinki and I answered at the same time.

“Jinki, why do you want to go?” I asked my friend.

“Well, I’m actually 18 and I’ve never partied. Besides, my schedule is light this semester and I badly need to have some fun. Come on, it’ll be fun!” he said in the most convincing way possible.

I looked at him directly and diverted my gaze to my son who had the same look of determination. I shook my head to show my discontent. “Fine. We will go. But no drinking for you Kai.”

Kai just shrugged his shoulders, as a sign of disregard or nonchalance, I am to find out soon.


	3. Bessoted

_Bessoted (adj.)_

\- _How can one touch be so captivating?_

Jinki and I decided to go to the party together. Kai was already there and he told us he’s meet us there. I admit I was a tad bit uncomfortable, not because I was socially inept, but because I’ve never been to a real college party before. New social situations tend to unnerve me, especially those that require me to interact with a variety of people. I found myself getting perturbed at the very thought of socializing over an extended period of time.

I am an introvert, and as such I have a limit to my social dealings, at the end of the day, nothing beats the calm of being alone. Hence, Jinki and I settled on coming in late – very late in fact that Kai whined about waiting for us for hours. I scoffed at the very idea of him “waiting for us” seeing as he already made many friends. One, in particular, was giving him _the eye._

Jinki didn’t seem to notice my reverie; instead, he was looking somewhere else.

“Is that him?” he asked.

Because he’s Jinki, he points at someone just across the room, sitting in a loveseat with another guy. I had to squint my eyes to make out the face clearly.

I saw that exchange student from Thailand that everybody seemed to gush about. Then, beside him I saw Choi Minho.

Somehow it felt like he saw me look at him because the next thing I knew he was waving at us. Jinki waved gleefully beside me as if he’s been friends with Choi Minho all along. Despite his intelligence, I wondered if Jinki knew how goofy he comes across.

“Stop waving at him,” I said between gritted teeth.

“Huh? Why? He waved at us first,” he promptly replied. What Jinki didn’t notice was the number of people staring at us as if we’re foreigners lost in a land entirely not our own. Their eyes felt prying – judging even. I yanked his arm down and pulled him into a corner.

“People are staring. Oh my gosh. Why did we go here? We should leave. Now,” I demanded at Jinki and I pulled him towards the door.

Just then, a figure blocked our way. It was Choi Minho. I tried to bypass him but he was quick to block our way again. He was donning a mischievous smirk and was holding a bottle of beer. His face a little red, probably from all that drinking and he looked positively drunk.

“Leaving so soon? You just arrived,” he began to talk.

I would have answered him but Jinki pushed me towards him, as if urging me to actually go with him. I decided to play along. There is, after all, a fine line between peer pressure and imposition. And at that time, it felt like Jinki’s push meant an order to go with Choi Minho.

Choi Minho caught me as I stumbled towards him. I fell to his chest and he caught me by the waist. Then he laughed. I didn’t know why but that brief moment sent jitters all over my spine. I pushed him away and composed myself. I never get flustered. Ever.

“I’m sorry. My klutz of a friend here pushed me,” I said in a manner of objectivity. I hitched my thumb to where Jinki was standing. Choi Minho broke out a smile.

“I see no friend of yours there,”he said. I looked back and true to his words, Jinki was not there.

That abandoning cretin. He and Kai both. I made myself a mental note to sternly scold them after for leaving me to my own devices.

I gave Choi Minho the fakest and most sarcastic smile I could manage. He laughed again. Whether he was laughing at my discomfort or inability to blend in, it oddly never felt like he was laughing at me. His laugh was so besotting. I found myself wishing he’d laugh more.

“Oh… I should leave now,” I replied.

“No. Not yet,” he said and took my hand and pulled me away from the crowd, “Come with me.”

He led me outside where it was foggy and cold. I shivered at the sudden chill that engulfed my body. I should have worn something warmer. Meanwhile, my kidnapper didn’t seem cold at all.

“I was hoping you’d come,” he says.

I walked and stood next to him. I didn’t want to scare him by saying that I wished I’d see him here, not that I’d admit it carelessly. I didn’t want to tell him how pivotal this is. Because, despite my reservations, I still did want to know what would happen if I actually did this. I didn’t want to tell him that somewhere down the line, we were meant to fall in love.

So I replied by asking him, “Why?”

He laughed. Again. I couldn’t help it but smile.

“I don’t know,” he began talking, “ever since I met you in our class last semester I just found you really intriguing. Quite an uppity kid but you know, very interesting. Do you believe in fate?” he asked.

“Do you?” I asked him back.

He looked at me and smiled softly then gazed at the night sky. There’s not much stars there but the moon was shining bright enough to illuminate the atmosphere with a warm glow. “I do. We might not know it but there is something out there that seems to push people’s destinies together. You know? Like there is a force that conspires things to be the way they are. Something bigger and grander that makes meetings like this hard to forget.”

I saw his eyes twinkled at his statement. He is such a romantic and I am so the opposite of him.

“Well I don’t believe in fate. I believe in choices and freewill and the ability to create our own destiny,” I replied.

“You’re studying physics, right?” he asked me. I hummed in affirmation. “Explain this to me then: if you don’t believe in a force making things happen, what do you call gravity then? Doesn’t gravity control things like mass, motion, etc? The laws of physics work in the same way as fate does; only we mask them under scientific terms. It is responsible for how things appear to be in this world.”

I must admit, he did have valid points there. But, true to my fashion, I said something to refute him.

“The difference is that we can understand gravity – we can quantify it in terms of signs and symbols we can objectively comprehend. We can look at gravity, although not apart from us, in an objective manner unlike fate and destiny which is mired with subjectivity, inconsistency, and unpredictability. Not that is not entirely real, but it still begs the question of freedom and choice. And I much prefer not believing in it because it hinders my freewill.”

He smiled again and this time stared closely at my face. He then ruffled my hair as if I were a child. I waved his hand off my head and he then laughed rather loudly. “Why do you always delineate yourself from the rest?” he asked.

To which I replied, “Because _I am different_ from the rest.”

Choi Minho grabbed my hand and put in on his chest. I felt his heart beat erratically under my palm. It was a rhythm so strange yet so familiar. It felt warm just feeling his heart drum under my hands. “Do you feel that?”

I nodded. He then put my hand on my chest and I also felt my heart – beating as wild as his, but only stronger and less warm. “How about that?” he asked me again.

I bit my lower lip and nodded again as I felt warmth seep through my cheeks. I reckoned I was blushing and I hoped he was too drunk or too caught in the moment to realize.

“See, we’re not so different. We have the same heart. We are under the same sky. We may not believe in the same things, but we are made of the same things. And that’s what matters. No matter how polarized our thinking may be, you have to remind yourself that in this universe, we are but a bunch of little people trapped in the same planet.”

There are many things I do not know, nor claim to understand. And quite a few I do know. But as I stood there, a question popped in my head: how can one touch be so captivating?

We stood there, under the same sky and talked about everything and nothing at the same time, enjoying time as it passes us by.

***

The next day, I spent more time than usual in front of the mirror. Sometimes, self-esteem can be a bitch. I was never one to question my looks, I knew that I was somehow attractive based on the compliments I’ve received over the years. It doesn’t really matter of course because life is more than about the way you look.

Unless you’re playing this game. This a game in which you can’t play well if you don’t look good. And that is exactly why I’ve been preening myself more than so in front of this mirror. There are many things I want to change, specifically my rather feminine features. But of course, given the time I have, I cannot.

I cannot change, not much. Because If I change my nose or my cheek bones, Choi Minho would notice, and Choi Minho is the last person I want to notice me.

My self-contradicting debate in front of the mirror was cut short when Kai entered my room. He didn’t even bother to knock he just stepped inside my room and threw himself at my bed.

“You should learn to knock,” I reprimanded him.

He scoffed. “And you should wrap up the Lee Taemin show, we’re late for school.”

I rolled my eyes at his answer. I wasn’t self-obsessing, I was just assessing myself. I grabbed my bad from the chair near my study table and motioned for him to get.

We arrived at the university just in time for our ethics class and proceeded in our usual seats. I scanned the room looking for Choi Minho but he was nowhere to be found. Our professor came in and locked the door. She hated latecomers so she just locks the door when classes start. I was disappointed. I had been looking forward to seeing Choi Minho in this class.

Kai must have noticed my disappointment because he elbowed me. “What’s up?” he asked with concern.

I shook my head. “Nothing. Just distracted.”

He eyed me suspiciously. “Pssh. It’s because _he’s_ not here. He’s probably hung-over you know.”

“Yeah… he might be,” I replied weakly.

The class dragged on and I was relived it was over – something I rarely felt. The class felt empty and disappointing. Kai and I said our goodbyes to each other before he rushed out to his next class and he gave a sympathetic look. Jinki and I decided to hangout to our usual spot in the courtyard and that was when I saw it.

It was Choi Minho on one of the nooks in the corridor, coffee in hand and his head resting on another man’s shoulder. It was the same guy we saw the night before, the Thai exchange student. The _very attractive_ Thai exchange student.

Something in me snapped. It was as if a wormhole randomly appeared in my stomach and sucked in every joy I have had the night before. I coldness engulfed me from the inside out and I started to shake. Jinki noticed me shaking and staring at the couple because the next thing I knew, I was led away by Jinki from that scene.

\-----------------

Happy Valentine's Day! Are you, like me, dateless and spending your v-day in front of your computer? LOL. 


	4. Dense

_Dense (adj.)_

\- _We are not connected by lose threads; instead we are tangled into a strange and complicated weave of alliances._

I was plucked by Jinki away from Choi Minho and “attractive guy’s” frolicking. Suddenly, the hallways seemed congested and I wanted nothing else but to escape it.

“Taemin!” a voice yells. There aren’t enough Taemins in the universe, especially this university, so I assumed it was me that voice was calling for. I reluctantly turned my head around only to see Choi Minho and attractive guy walking towards us.

I already figured out what he wanted from me. Obviously, it is to introduce attractive guy to us as his boyfriend. I was barfing on the inside but I had to plaster a smile on my face. After all, I had no reason – absolutely no reason – to feel anything nasty towards them.

“I didn’t see you at class.” I told him.

Choi Minho smiled and replied, “Yeah. I was late and hung over, so I decided to skip it.”

I nodded, feigning interest. “Oh. So yeah, we’re going to eat lunch. See you tomorrow I guess,” I said as I started to move away.

I looked back again and saw confusion painted on Choi Minho’s face.

After our encounter Jinki and I decided to eat at a local diner instead our usual spot. We ordered and sat on a secluded booth and just as we were about to eat I heard Kai’s voice.

I stood up from where I was sitting and true to my initial hypothesis it was indeed Kai that I heard. Only it wasn’t just him. He was on the other side of the diner and he was with another girl. I sat down again and started to snicker.

“Was that Kai?” Jinki asked.

“Yes,” I replied. Jinki started to stand up with the intent of going to where Kai was but I grabbed his arm and forced him to sit down.

“Oi, what was that for?”

“Don’t go there. He’s on a date.”

“Omo. Only a few weeks here and he’s already dating?” Jinki asked with amusement and reverence. I laughed again. “Wait, isn’t he too young to date?” he asked me.

I contemplated on his question for a while and realized that no, he wasn’t too young to date. At the very least, I’d rather him have fun. I didn’t know why or how it happened, but I noticed myself wanting Kai to feel as happy as he can, and if that meant dating, then so be it.

“Nah. I don’t think so. Let him have his fun,” I answered Jinki. “Let’s just eat our lunch quietly and quickly. I still have some labwork to do.”

***

People’s emotions are like density. Mathematically, density is expressed as mass divided by volume. Simply speaking, an increase in pressure means an increase in density. Our emotions tend to behave the same way. The more we are exposed to pressure from the outside, the more we are pushed to harden on the inside. Some call it defence mechanism; I call it the law of the universe. Because really, when it comes down to it, who wouldn’t want to harden if it meant saving yourself from catastrophe?

I went to class the following day with conviction. I’ll stay away from Choi Minho. I purposely went to class later than usual, with just enough time before the class started. It was a brilliant plan. With barely enough time before class began, there will be not chance for frippery.

I sat down on my seat beside him. He tried to get my attention but I easily deflected him by talking to Jinki instead. Just when he was about to attempt again, our professor entered our room. Success. Everybody knows it’s better not to bother me during class because I intend to listen and pay attention. 

The universe, however, had a different take on things. _Pressure._

Our professor, a kind-looking middle aged man with a strong resemblance to Jinyoung Park, broke the news of our project in class. Dialogues are vital in this class, apparently. Prof. Kang then proceeded to explain the project: every Wednesday, he’d give our class an ethical dilemma that a pair would discuss. During Friday, each pair would submit a transcript of their dialogue and briefly share it with the whole class. It sounded like a wonderful project. What better way to really sink our teeth to Ethics? The wonder of this project faded away when I found out that Choi Minho and I are partners.

After everyone was paired off (Jinki was paired off with a girl named Luna, and Kai with another freshman named Kyungsoo) and the ethical dilemma given, Prof. Kang urged us to do our dialoguing somewhere else outside the classroom.

“Where do you want to go?” Choi Minho asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders to show disinterest, “Anywhere, really.”

“Anywhere?” he asked. I nodded my head nonchalantly. He then smiled and pulled me out of the room. “I know a place.”

Unable to refuse Choi Minho led me to an empty room at the topmost floor of the building. He opened the door and motioned for me to get in first. The room was small with only a table and four chairs in it. It was well lighted and had a wonderful view of the whole campus. I put down my bad on the table and slumped on the chair.

“Psychology students used this room as their therapy room or something before the new building was built. Now, nobody uses this room,” Choi Minho began explaining.

“Cool,” I answered.

He put his bad next to mine and pulled a chair in front of me. He sat down on the chair and scooted closer to me. Our knees touched and I felt a tinge of electricity through my body – it was uncomfortable but not entirely unpleasant.

“So,” he began talking, “why have you been avoiding me?” he asked. His eyes were staring right at me with utmost sincerity and curiosity.

I looked down, afraid to look at him. I was scared that the more I stare at him, the more the molecules inside me would compress, and I would become denser.

“I wasn’t avoiding you. I’m just really busy with labwork. Besides, I have nothing to say to you,” I lied.

And a terrible liar I was. As if seeing through my lies, he retorted, “You’re lying. I know what this is about.”

My head shot up. “Oh really?”

“Yup.”

“Then what is it?” I asked defiantly. As soon as those words were uttered, I wanted to take them back. But I am never one to back down from any challenge. Not even when I knew I was going to lose.

“He’s my ex-boyfriend.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I saw your look yesterday. I wanted to introduce him to you but then you just went on defensive. I was really confused until Khun explained it to me…”

“Explain what? I told you I was busy. Unlike you, I have no time gallivanting with ex-boyfriends. And really you’re wrong. It’s not because of that. I mean, what do I care about your affairs? We barely even know each other? Yeah sure, we had a night of meaningful conversation and we are classmates in one class, but it’s not like we’re friends. I was just stressing out yesterday with academic stuff okay?” I ranted. I stood up and took my bad on top of the table but Choi Minho darted and blocked the door.

He ran his hand through his hair, as if he were exasperated from dealing with a child.

“You’re so dense you know that?” he began saying. I opened my mouth to say something back but he continued with his speech. “I really don’t know why you’re so unaware and I am running out of ways to get it through you. I like you okay? And I’m sorry if I upset you seeing me with Khun like that. We’re just really close friends, I swear. I wanted to introduce him to you because he’s sort of my good friend, like you are with Jinki and I wanted him to approve of you before I ask you out.”

“How are you good friends with your ex?” I asked curiously.

He broke out laughing loudly. “I just confessed and asked you out and you only got that?” He said.

“Oh,” I answered. I tried to keep my cool but my whole body burned up, my cheeks specifically. I didn’t care anymore about the pressure outside, because the pressure within me was far too great to contain. So I gave him the only answer that crossed my mind. “Yes. Let’s go out.” 

\------------------

I apologize for the delay of this chapter. I'll try to upload another chapter by tonight or tomorrow. So watch out for that.

I am assuming you've seen SHINee's comeback and I must say, AKJSLDJKLSAFJLSAJFLJ;. I love the album but I loathe their styling. Hahahaha. And I want to share a wonderful news to all of you: I got accepted in Law School! I'm just so happy and excited and proud of myself so pardon me.


	5. Flutter

_Flutter (v.)_

\- _Butterflies cannot see their own wings but they recognize that they must flutter it to show the world of its beauty._

First dates are supposed to be memorable. Typically they consist of the couple meeting in a neutral place – say a mall or a park, – watch a movie, have coffee, then talk. Choi Minho’s idea of a first date, however, is anything but typical.

He invited me to come over at their house downtown. His family just moved in the city, although he’s been living here for some time now. He explained that his family loved to move to different places. They are nomads he told me, and this time their nomadic expedition led them in our city.

Their house is in a different part of the city. Their lane is lined with similar looking houses with a little touch of personality, perhaps to distinguish each other from the monotony. Once the driver stopped the car, I was led out and greeted by Choi Minho.

Their yard had hedges that have been shaped into different punctuation marks – a period, a comma, a colon, quotation marks, apostrophes, a question mark, and an exclamation point. I couldn’t help but wonder what sort of people his family were. They were eccentric, that’s for sure, and probably had a penchant for language.

He led me into the front door and when I got in the first thing I noticed was the boxes that are lying on the floor. “Sorry, we’re still unpacking,” he apologetically explained to me. I noticed too how few the boxes were. I imagined that if our family were to move on, we’d probably use more than hundred boxes that would take years to unpack. No kidding. I do have a tendency to hold on to things after all.

We head to the kitchen for a snack and when we got there I saw a boy my age sitting on the kitchen counter.

“Get out of there, Kibum,” Minho scolded the boy.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re boyfriend’s here and you don’t want to be disturbed,” he retorted offhandedly.

I blushed at his statement and Choi Minho was obviously spluttering beside me. Just when I was about to correct his misconception, he took my hand and shook.

“I’m Kibum. Minho’s brother. Nice to meet you,” he said sweetly.

I bowed down in response. Kibum chuckled.

“I totally forgot. My bad,” he said and bowed down as well. “I haven’t been in Korea for years now so the bowing slipped my mind.”

“That’s fine, Kibum” I replied.

Kibum closed the gap between us and inspected me closely before asking Choi Minho, “You’re dating a freshman?”

Minho rolled his eyes before responding, “He’s not a freshman. We’re both seniors.”

Kibum’s jaw dropped. “Omo. I’m sorry hyung. You just looked so young.”

I wanted to correct him and tell him that indeed, I was too young to be in college but Minho replied before me.

“He’s sixteen and a _genius_.” he said.

Kibum cocked his head to the side. “So I’m older than you then. Anyway, what are you majoring in?”

“Physics,” I answered.

Choi Minho pushed Kibum away from the kitchen even before Kibum can respond again. Forgetting the reason why we went to the kitchen in the first place, he grabbed my hand and led me upstairs and inside a room, presumably his bedroom.

He locked the door as soon as we were both inside.

“I’m sorry. My brother can be uh…, a little insensitive when it comes to personal space,” Choi Minho.

“It’s okay Choi Minho.”

“Stop calling me that.”

“Calling you what?”

“By my whole name. It’s annoying.”

“Oh. Minho then.”

“No honorific?” He teased.

“Honorifics are only reserved for people who actually deserve them,” I joked backed.

Minho let out a small laugh before he suddenly turned awkward. “So, this is my room. I hope you don’t mind the mess,” he said.

Then I saw around and knew exactly what he meant. Just like downstairs, there are unopened boxes in his room, books, clothes, and trinkets lying everywhere.

I felt suddenly awkward as well, as if his awkwardness rubbed on me. “You brought me here to… err… help you unpack?” I asked hesitantly.

Minho looked panicked. Clearly, I put him off his game. “No,” he replied as his head shook quickly from left to right. “I want you to help me paint the room.”

He wanted me to help him paint his room.

_He wanted me to help him paint his goddamn room._ I admit, I wanted a unique date, but I never planned on spending the first date of my life dirtying myself with paint. He didn’t even wait for me to respond. He took of the shirt he was wearing and threw it on the pile of clothes that were already on the floor. I stood there motionless. He picked up a roller, opened a can of paint, and transferred some of it on the roller tray.

He began coating the white wall with a navy blue pain, and only then that he noticed that I wasn’t planning on moving at all. He asked me, “Afraid of dirtying yourself with a little paint?” Then he smirked, clearly thinking that he was funny.

“Yes,” I answered quite harshly. Who wouldn’t anyway? I admit, I was worried of dirtying myself. I hated being dirty, but more than that I was worried that my artistic abilities are quite limited.

He put down the roller he was holding and approached me. He touched my shoulder and only then that I really noticed his shirtlessness. “Do you want to go somewhere then?”

I wanted to say yes. I really did. If it were other people I would just bluntly tell them that I do not like it, but there was something that held me back. Something that fluttered within me that urged me to say no instead. “No. It’s just… I’m not dressed for this.”

He smiled. And for a moment I had thought that my saying yes to his idea was worth the smile he just gave me.

He lent me one of his shirts, which was two sizes way too big for me as it hung loosely on my frame.

“Don’t worry about getting it perfect. Just paint as you please,” he told me. He went to turn on his music player, and said, “Just let the music tell you how to paint.”

“You have no other instructions?”

“Nope.”

He walked me over to the wall and put the roller in my hand. He stood behind me and I felt the warmth engulf me as he led my hand into painting the wall. At first, I didn’t know what it meant. But as I roll the roller up and down and saw the white walls change into walls of deep blue, I started to feel something inside me well up. I heard Minho hum a tune, his voice sinuous and floaty. Minho let go of my hand and I dipped the roller and painted again. I closed my eyes as my arms moved by itself, and when I opened my eyes, I saw Minho glanced at me. I smiled at him, the first genuine smile I had since this day began.

“This is fun,” I told him.

He nodded at me and continued to paint. I watched him paint his side of the wall and I noticed how good he looked like. How graceful he is as he moved up and down, the way he crumpled his nose, the way his muscled flexed with his every movement. I wanted to commit everything my eyes saw to memory. I smiled at myself at the foolishness of my sentimentality.

He went closer to me. All I felt at that moment was his presence, how it surrounded me and this room and how easy it integrated into my thoughts. I was holding the roller still and he reached my hand and lifted it.

“Here,” he whispered and guided me to a white spot. “You missed a spot.”

Our hands lowered together. We did not let go.

We stand there looking at the velvety blue wall we’ve created. We didn’t say anything. The fluttering in my stomach was enough to cover the words we would have said.

***

After our “date” I called the driver to fetch me at Minho’s home. During the ride home a goofy smile was plastered on my face. Once you experience fluttering within, you want to linger in it. I felt like a butterfly that’s been recently gone through metamorphosis. Perhaps the reason why butterflies are so much joy is because they know what joy feels like, and they wanted to share that beauty.

I wanted to share my joy. The moment I got home I ran towards Kai’s room. Luckily, my parents hadn’t noticed him. And I doubt that they ever will. But just in case, we had a cover story ready. Kai was my recently orphaned classmate, and that he’s staying with me because none of his relatives wanted to take him in. My parents do love charity, after all.

When I entered his room, I saw him napping on the couch. Feeling mischievous, I stalked towards him with the intent of surprising him. But when I touched him, it seemed like In phased through him. Just then, he started to stir and he opened his eyes. He jumped in surprise upon seeing me hovering over him.

“Dear lord, Dad! You scared me!” he shouted.

I was too stunned to even speak. _Did I just pass through him?_

I quickly lunged my arms forward to see if it happens again, but this time I hit his shoulder.

His hand flew to where I hit him and he massaged it. “Ouch. What was that for?”

“No- nothing. I was just teasing you, you lazy boy,” I replied, trying to suppress the shock and confusion I felt.

\--------------------------

Oh my, Kai. :(

And I have a question: who here are skilled in making posters? If you are please contact me [here](http://spacecakeofawesome.tumblr.com). I sort of wanted a poster made for this story. Your reward would be 1) gratitude 2) eternal love 3) a namesake for one of the characters. 


	6. Gaze

Gaze (v.)

\- Gazes are of different kinds, and breathes different meanings.

“So did you two kiss?” Kai asked me first thing. What I found out with Kai is that he tends not to stray from his point. He would ask questions until he gets the answers he wanted to hear. He is definitely my son in that aspect.

However, I was not one to divulge dating experiences to my own son. I found it inappropriate and awkward. Very awkward.

“It’s none of your business,” I told him, but we both know that’s not true. As soon as I said those words, I regretted saying them.

Kai hummed knowingly. “Is that ‘none-of-your-business-yes’ or ‘none-of-your-business-no?” He inquired further. The other thing about Kai is that he cannot let go of things, and that he has a tendency to take things too far.

“I don’t want to tell you,” In told him with finality.

To my surprise, he dropped the subject off and went on to ask me about something else.

“Did you see me at the diner the other day?” he asked, which is another of way of saying that he knew we saw him at the diner.

“Uhm, yes?” I answered hesitantly.

“She’s a nice girl. And I like her. So yeah… please try not to embarrass me in front of her,” he told me, in the same way every teenage boy is afraid that his parents would embarrass him in front of the girl he likes.

I managed to hold back my chuckle and decided to eye him with seriousness instead. “I will try not to embarrass you in front of her.”

Kai shrugged his shoulders and said “That’s all I really want.” Kai started to move towards the door. I wanted to stop him and ask him about what happened moments before but instead, I held my tongue and let him go.

***

The whole school was in a state of hullabaloo the following day, and the unfortunate thing is, I was topic of the latest school gossip.

I am used to being stared at. Being the youngest student in this university sort of makes you stand out. But eventually, even the novelty of my youth faded out, and in a few weeks time the staring stopped. I could not tell you how relieved I was when they stopped looking at me. Not that I didn’t want to be seen, but I wasn’t so keen on standing out for the most asinine reason. I wanted to be seen for what I achieved, and for I was, not for what I was on the outside.

I wanted to be seen for my reputation, not for my physicality.

Although I had never given anyone grounds to doubt my integrity as a person, people are always willing to bet on my looks than my talents. I realized then, that in this world, you can either be look upon in four different ways.

The first type is the look from people who themselves had done something ill. These people begin by knowingly smiling at me, a smile I so hated: the sheepish smile of secret conspiratorial consent, a bond of something akin to brotherhood. I despised that kind of smile. It is the look of sinners, of people who think that having faults make you like them. We are not our faults. We are better than that. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

The second type is the look from people who assume I had done something ill. These people possess the faces that prosecute. As much as I hated the first type, I hated this second type more. It is like the reaction of a moral fundamentalist, a type of person I so loathed all my life.

The third type is the look from people who could care less. Their reaction is, well… rather nothing. They had no reaction at all because they do not have even the slightest reason or emotion to care. Empty people with empty holes inside of them. Amorals who know nothing about doing right or wrong. People who looked for the sake of looking.

The last type is the look from people who love you for who you are. Their gazes are full of promise. They see your faults, yet they do not judge. They know your strengths and they take pride in it. Their look is the look of warmth and tenderness.

As I walked down the corridors of the university en route to my first class I saw how people looked at me. Many gave me the second look, a few the first look, and some gave me the third look. I wondered, what have I done this time to be looked that way again?

I was feeling colossally uncomfortable from their stares, and I wanted nothing more than to get away from it. I hurried my steps to reach the lecture hall faster and when I got there, I was so reassured to have received the fourth look. First from Jinki, my best friend who I knew loved me beyond anything, and then from Minho, whom I am starting to see in a different gaze.

I sat down on my usual seat, waiting for Kai and our professor. As usual, he was difficult to coax out of bed and was running late again so I just left earlier than him. When he finally came he was panting and catching his breath, but more than that he seemed excited over something.

He sat down and tried to start a conversation with me, but then our professor came in and went on about his lecture. Kai, the adamant person that he was, passed a note to me during lecture. It read, “Talk to you quickly after class.”

After class, he pulled me into a quiet corner. I told Jinki to wait for me at our usual spot. “What’s up?” I began talking.

“I thought you didn’t sleep with him?” Kai asked.

I was confused. Whom did he refer to?

“You told me you didn’t!” he continued.

“What are you talking about?”

“There are rumours going around that you went to Minho’s house and you and him… you know…” he finished awkwardly.

I was stunned. That explained the look people were giving me earlier. “That’s not true,” I said firmly.

“So the rumours are false?” he asked.

“Errr… yes?” I answered back, unsure.

“Why do you sound unconvinced?”

“Because it’s partly true.”

Kai’s mouth dropped. “You slept with him?!”

“Yah! Stop jumping into conclusions! I went to his house because he invited me over! We didn’t do anything but paint his walls!”

Kai wiggled his eyebrows tauntingly, “Is ‘painting his walls’ code for you slept together?” He joked.

I rolled my eyes and groaned. “You are insufferable. And where did you hear that anyway? And how did they know it? Ugh, people are so annoying. Why can’t they just focus on living their own lives instead of minding other people’s business?” I ranted.

“Because the lives of others are always better than the lives we live. Call it life envy, if you will.”

***

When I left the lecture hall, I was surprised to see Minho waiting for me. He was standing expectantly with his two cups of coffee. He approached me and gave me one, which I accepted.

“I know this cool place where we can have lunch,” he began, “It’s just a few minutes ride away from the campus and the food is marvelous. Do you like Asian fusion cuisine?”

I didn’t know what to say to him. Frankly, I was unnerved from all the looks that were directed at us. I can feel their gazes piercing through us, laden with judgment, or kinship. I didn’t like that. And the thought that people were gossiping about me and him because there was nothing to gossip about. Nothing at all.

“I can’t. Jinki is waiting for me,” I answered after a few awkward moments of silence.

“Oh. How about after school then? What time do your classes end?”

“I have labwork after school,” I answered as I walked away.

Minho started to walk to and paced beside me. “Errr… tomorrow lunch?”

“Can’t. I always eat lunch with Jinki.”

“Can I join you then?”

“Nope. I hate breaking tradition.”

He then stopped abruptly, and I too.

“Do you like me?” He asked out of the blue. “Because I thought you did too, after our date. And I just thought…”

“It wasn’t a date,” I cut him off. “We painted walls and bonded over the smell of lacquer.”

Minho’s face went awfully pale, as if he suddenly doused with cold water. “I’m sorry for assuming then…” he said as he turned his back from me.

As he began to walk away I found myself pulling his wrist and stopping him. “You didn’t assume wrong. It’s just… I panicked. Look at everyone staring at us,” his eyes went to look around and noticed that indeed, people were staring at us, “I’m just uncomfortable with this… this is new territory to me and I find myself lacking in knowledge of the protocol and I did enjoy painting your walls, although I would have enjoyed something else too. I’m free tomorrow lunch…. so…”

Minho immediately perked up after hearing my impromptu confession-slash-agreement. He grabbed my free hand and once again put it on his chest.

“Don’t worry. As long as my heart beats, their stares wouldn’t matter.” He said reassuringly.

I looked at his eyes wanting to see sureness in them. His gaze is silent.

The silence which comes before a song, and that which comes after a song, and that which exists in-between the phrase, in the pauses of periods, the slight hesitation of commas.

And I found myself believing in the silence of his steady gaze.


	7. Waiting

Waiting (v.)

\- Waiting affirms our existence.

Our plan the next day was not to have a plan, which is absurd, because not having a plan is having a plan without clear limitations, which is more terrifying than not having a plan at all. I am a big fan of planning only because I like to know beforehand what to expect. I like making things happen instead of waiting for things to happen.

But with Minho, it seemed, I was willing to try anything.

After class he grabbed me suddenly and led me out of the room. I was not even able to say goodbye to Jinki or Kai. Truthfully, I never really wanted to say goodbye to them, it’s not like we do not see each other every day, but I wanted to stall our so-called date. But at the same time I am excited to know what Minho wanted for us to do. It was unnerving to be with Minho. It’s like being in Dante’s 10th circle of hell and Lewis’ Narnia – it’s wonderful and daunting at the same time.

But I let it slide anyway. There is nothing novel about that feeling. My life is an accumulation of ironies, after all.

He brought me to where he first asked me out – at the abandoned Psych room. Once there he led me into the room which looked different from how I first saw it. It wasn’t the dusty, stuffy, worn room that it was. There was a table in the middle of the room and atop was a parcel of Chinese take-out food.

“This time, I’m sure no one can see us,” he said as he sat down. I followed suit and sat down opposite of him. He began to lay out the take-out, which is to say, he began opening the take-out boxes that contained our lunch. He gave me a pair of chopstick and he began to eat.

I couldn’t help but smile. It wasn’t exactly grand or luxurious but it was distinctly him – practical, clandestine, and unexpected.

While we were eating I noticed him glance at me every once in a while, waiting for me to start a conversation. I put him out of his waiting and I began talking about my favorite books – a neutral topic of conversation.

I began talking about my favorite sci-fi series of all time, The Wheel of Time, and how it was the reason that I got interested in the mechanics of the universe, and by extension, physics. I was waiting for him to respond in some sort be he kept insisting I talk, which is sort of odd. I am used to listening to other people, but only to because I loved to listen. It felt different, being listened to. It was all entirely new to me and probably me to him. It would have been easy for me to lie about the things I said, to make myself seem more impressive in his judgment. Yet I told the truth and spoke candidly as if he were my old friend.

Eventually, I ran out of stories to tell and then he began telling me his favorite books too. Minho, surprisingly, was a big fan of the classics, The Catcher in the Rye being his favorite of all time. It got me to wonder just how much Holden there is in him.

Even after we finished our lunch, we remained in the room. We both moved our chairs to overlook the courtyard through the window. We talked about the university and our classmates and professors.

There was an unspoken recognition as we swapped stories, the recognition that what we had was the start of something. He pulled my seat closer to his and put his hand around my shoulders. I hesitantly leant in and closed my eyes trying to settle on his chest. Once again I heard his heartbeat – steady and reassuring. We both closed our eyes and let the sun shine on us over the window. Not the scorching heat kind but the faint glow kind. I opened my eyes and studied the line of his jaw, the sharpness of his cheeks, and the disarray of his hair.

He must have felt me staring at him because the nest thing I knew, he was closing in on me and kissed me on my cheek.

This was how I knew we were waiting no more. We were beginning.

***

I didn’t go to the lab in the afternoon; instead, I went to Jinki’s house. I could not wait to tell him everything. He is my best friend after all, and best friends are meant to know important things in your life such as the first time someone other than your relatives kiss you on your cheeks.

It was a big deal for me and I wanted no more than to share it with him.

“So, we were sitting by the window overlooking this majestic view of the campus and I was resting my head on his chest,” I began. I saw the excitement and fascination in Jinki’s eyes as I began my recollection. “And then he came in closer and kissed me… on my cheek,” I ended up with uneven breathing.

I knew this was not something a sixteen year-old should be giddy about. But it’s not like I’ve had a multitude of experience when it comes to not-kisses.

Jinki gave me his signature smile. “Aww. Look at you, all grown-up!” he said and ruffled my hair. I pouted at him. It was during times like this that I am reminded how much of a normal childhood Jinki and I never experienced.

“Come on, tell me how your date with Luna went?” I asked him, trying to focus the spotlight on him instead.

“Well,” he began bashfully, “it wasn’t a date. Not really. We really discussed this week’s problem…”

“Oh shit!” I exclaimed. “We forgot to discuss the problem!”

Jinki just shrugged it off. “Just meet him after this. I’m sure he’d like to,” he insinuated. I smiled at his banter. “Anyway, we only discussed the problem, but we agreed to meet at the mall this weekend,” he ended with a subtle blush.

I playfully punched his arm and he attacked me with a pillow. “Yah! Did you just declare a fight?!” I yelled.

“So what if I did? You’d never win anyway!” he boasted and then hit me with a pillow again. I fell at my back but stood up swiftly, grabbed the nearest pillow, and hit him back. The next thing we knew, we were shouting and playing like a bunch of six year-olds. Friendship tends to bring out your inner child, and it is always waiting to come out.

After our epic pillow fight (which I lost at) Jinki and I went to their kitchen to re-energize ourselves. I found that it was the perfect opportunity to talk to him about Kai.

“Jinki, you know I’m very fond of Kai, right?” I asked him.

He nodded. “Of course you are, he’s your son. And I am very fond of him too. He reminds me so much of you. Only he’s less abrasive and more likeable.” he joked.

It was funny, and I should have laughed at it, but I wanted to be serious about it. Jinki instantly picked up my intention and asked, “Why? What’s happened?”

I took a deep breath as if trying to gather air. I felt like drowning even thinking about it. “I think he’s… he’s starting to disappear. The other day when I tried to wake him up, my arm… it passed through him…”

Jinki stared at me with worry. “You mean, he was… permeable?”

I gulped. “Something like that… I’m afraid that this thing is causing him to fade away… I don’t want him to, but at the same time he wanted this too, right? He went back and knew the risks, yet he did it. I’m conflicted. I don’t want him gone. And in doing this he certainly will be gone. Jinki, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want him to just disappear…”

Jinki went and hugged me. “What do we do?” I asked him.

He released me from the hug. I saw him sigh before answering. “Right now? I don’t think we can know for sure what’s going to happen. I suggest we wait.”

Yes, the only thing we can do was to wait. It doesn’t seem to be an idle waiting. Ironic to suppose that waiting is not idle—for whatever else is it conceived to be? What we were waiting for was not the arrival of another event, but the end of waiting itself.

It was scary. There were no plans in this waiting, no protocol we can expect. We were not waiting for something concrete; we were not waiting for an event far into the future, or near into any future. It was the frightening kind of waiting, the waiting that is bound to end with hurt. 


	8. Collision

Collision (n.)

\- I must learn to unlearn the supposition that all collisions end in tragedy.

Whenever I felt bleak, I would always watch a video of antimatter and matter colliding inside a tube. Every time matter and antimatter collide, they cancel each other out – they create non-existence. In theory, there should be nothing in the universe when the Big Bang happened, but despite what causality says the universe persists. At the very least, theology got one thing right – that the universe was created ex nihilo, out of nothing. The universe was borne out of nothing, and yet it is everything that we are and will be. It provides me a sense of comfort in knowing that there can be something from nothing, that not everything is as murky as it seems.

But since then, I’ve found a new way to help with my dread. Minho. When I found him waiting for me at the door of the lecture hall I saw that something within me, within him – within us - had shifted. Before yesterday, it seemed like we were two particles adrift, attracted to opposite gravitational forces. We’d meet along the way but we’d never collide with each other.

Now, it seemed like we were attracted towards each other. Like when matter and antimatter pull each other towards themselves. I found myself wanting to be close to him – not out of some vague notion of what it would be like – no, because I’ve already been close to him. We’ve collided once, and I wanted that to keep happening.

***

Minho and I walked into the lecture hall feeling happy and satisfied. I saw Kai gave us a soft approving smile, but before we can exchange words, Prof. Kang began with his lecture. Kai and I continued (or began) our conversation through folded notes.

Is it official yet? Painted more walls with him?

1.) Stop it with the walls and paint innuendo. 2) It’s not official. Yet. But It might be. Soon.

Fighting! How was the date? I want details!

It was wonderful.

WOW. That’s a LOT of details. I am positively swimming in information.

I do not think it is appropriate to talk about such things in paper. And with you, no less.

Fine. Be like that!

I, however, is interested with you and that girl you’re still being secretive about.

Teenagers are meant to be secretive DAD.

At that point I crumpled the paper and stuffed it inside my bag, afraid that other people might see it. It was also my way of saying to Kai that we’ll talk about it later at home. I gave him a stern look after and, realizing the mistake he just made, he looked at me apologetically.

I was barely paying attention to Prof. Kang’s mumblings about trains and collisions. I was too distracted staring at Minho who listened to him intently. I was usually very serious with my studies but I thought that I could afford a distraction or two.

Prof. Kang probably noticed my mooning and blatant staring at Minho that he called out my attention.

“Mr. Lee, what do you think?”

I buckled up and composed myself. I wasn’t’ paying a hundred percent attention but I wasn’t exactly zoning-up.

“I think, that when it comes to it, what would matter is how many people can be saved, and in what manner. If it is assured that by throwing over the other man on the bridge, the train’s collision would be prevented, then I might consider throwing him over. Consider, because if I were in that position I would not sacrifice a man’s life, even if it meant saving the lives of those inside the train. I’d find other ways to stop the train from colliding.”

Prof. Kang nodded with thought. He put his left hand under his chin and stroked it in contemplation. He then asked me, “So you would claim responsibility for the lives of those inside the train?”

I perked up at his question. “I cannot claim responsibility over the lives of people other than myself. The train’s unfortunate circumstance is a product of accident, and I cannot claim responsibility over an accident. None can. But that is not to say I do not respect their lives, because I do. And that goes to the man whom I am given the chance to push. Chances are, if we were on the same bridge, watching the train speed out of control, we’d probably know each other. And the life and freedom of a person I know and respect counts more than the lives of people I barely know.”

I saw Prof. Kan’s eyes twinkle at my answer, and then his lips turned upward mischievously. I had a feeling that during that day I was about to lose the argument. “Ah. But what if that train contained all your other loved ones?”

***

Prof. Kang’s question haunted me the rest of the day. I kept on replaying the scenario in my head and kept on thinking of possible solutions to it. It didn’t particularly bother me that I was caught unprepared with the question. No, it was something more than that… something lingering and foreboding, it seemed, was at play.

I kept on thinking about sacrifices, and the means I would do to achieve the most rational end. The question bothered me because I knew that regardless, I would have to make a choice. The thing about choice is that having none of it can be limiting, but having too much of it can be disarming.

I was snapped out of my reverie by Minho who waved his hands goofily in front of me. Apparently, I was “spacing out” whilst walking.

“Hey,” he said, pulling me aside so that we won’t block the way.

“Yeah?”

“It’s the last question, isn’t it?” he asked. Minho, I found out, was surprisingly intuitive and effectively observant. He had this certain sense of wisdom around him that makes his actions seem effortless yet profound. I found that rather exciting about him.

I nodded in response.

“You don’t have to think much about it. After all, train collisions that require pushing rarely happen.”

I wanted to drop it, I really did. But the more stubborn part of me refused to let it go. “What if it really came to that? I mean, say, if I were to make that choice and I chose to throw the one person beside me, what would that make me? And if I were to let those people inside the train die, what would that make me too?”

“I guess we wouldn’t know. Either way no one expects you to save all. That was just a thought experiment designed for you to choose either-or. Real life is much more complex than that. In fact, if it were to happen in real life, the collision wouldn’t even happen. Anyone can be saved, Taemin,” Minho said optimistically.

Is real life really? Isn’t life a series of random collisions that all end in tragedy?

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How are you liking the story so far? To tell you the truth, I am a bit insecure about this story because my aim was to get readers to really see the world from Taemin's perspective, hence the singular point of view of this story. So ummm, are you liking Taemin's POV so far? Do you think it was a good idea to use his POV only? Because I asked a friend about this and she was on board with it, how about you, dear reader? 


	9. Cusp

Cusp (n.)

\- I find myself in between wanting to be happy and wanting to do the right thing

Failure or success, right or wrong - no can really understand more concretely than a person of science how interchangeable opposites are. Or people of faith, when you really look at it. If for anything, people like us understand how it is to see things in black or white. Grey areas, although not impossible, are considered a rarity in science. Science feeds on precision, on accuracy. Vagueness is not considered scientific. One must be either-or.

But science too, despite its strict either-or policy, permits its flock a sliver of grey area. We call it hypothesizing. Extrapolating. Speculating. Imagining. In such moment, the person of science is given complete romantic exploit. In that moment, the transition from conjecture to fact, science is most splendid.

The idea of transit implies a perspective of in-between, a cusp from which things appear other as we know them. It also implies judgement.

The truth is, I consider myself a good judge. Normally, I see the bigger picture and can easily make decisions. I am objective and decisive because I was taught to be on my feet and dynamic. So, why do I feel stuck? Why this inability to decide?

“…again,” I heard Jinki say. We were at our house, in my room, trying to do homework together.

“What?” I asked him. I was rather dazed to begin with, and I could care less with what’s happening around me. In fact, I’ve been up in the clouds since yesterday’s lecture. It bothered me still, and this time for a reason.

“Well, I just said that you’ve been extremely unresponsive lately. You seem like you’re mulling over something. It’s definitely not this homework. What is it?” he replied. Jinki really knows me well. Too well to the point that he knew something was bothering me.

“Huh? I’m not mulling…” I tried to lie but to no avail. Jinki gave me a look that said “if-you-won’t-tell-me-I’ll-find-it-out-myself,” a rare and rather horrifying look from your best friend that knows you in and out.

“Well it’s about…” just when I was about to fess up, Kai barged in the room, not even bothering to knock.

He plopped on my bed and made a bored sound. “I absolutely have nothing to do. I wish it were Friday,” he complained.

“And I wish you learn how to knock and not just dive in on other people’s bed.”

He put out his tongue and Jinki laughed at his childish gesture. I, however, was having none of it today. It was bad enough that I am stuck in this place of indecision; I had no time, nor the emotional and mental stamina to deal with a compulsive teenager.

“Kai, just get out,” I said seriously. Making sure it doesn’t come out as being annoyed.

It did not come out calm. Apparently, the annoyance was obvious in my voice despite my best efforts to say it calmly.

He stood up and looked at me funnily. “Geez. Having the time of your month eh? Talk to you later then,” he said and walked out of my room.

There were a few moments of silence before Jinki said something. “Are you mad at him for any particular reason?”

“I’m just peeved. That is all,” I retorted weakly.

“Should I leave then?” Jinki asked me.

I shook my head, cueing him to stay with me. He sat beside me and looked at me with sincerity in his eyes, telling me that I can trust him.

“So…” Jinki began, “Are we going to wallow in this awkward silence or are you going to tell me what’s up?”

I sighed and told him of my growing fears. “I think I’m starting to like like Minho.”

Jinki responded by smirking and looking at me funnily, as if I said something laughable. “And that’s making you moody because…?”

“For many reasons. What if it doesn’t end well? What if I hurt him, or worse, I get hurt? What if, in the end, none of this would matter or make sense? There’s still a chance this… whatever thing we have might end up in disaster. I just… I don’t know how to do this. I’m afraid that the more I want good things to happen, the more things are going to be messed up. I’m scared that if I’ll fall in too deep and that I won’t be able to stand back up. And Minho… he’s just so infuriatingly charming and I am completely taken by him. He gives me all these weird feeling inside, like butterflies fluttering inside me trying to crawl out of my skin…” Jinki laughed.

“It’s not funny!” I continued with my frazzled bumbling. “Butterflies are not cute! They die in a span of weeks! What if my feelings wane? What if his feelings disappear? What am I supposed to do? And ugh… I just want to kiss him, or him to kiss me but he’s so respectful and sensitive and romantic and just… wonderful.” I finished.

Jinki soothed me by patting my back whilst I catch up my breath. “I am no expert in relationships but from what it seems like… you’re in love.”

I let out a derisive laugh. “No. That can’t be. Love is supposed to make one happy, not stupid,” I countered.

At that point, Jinki emitted a loud cackle that filled the room. I hit him with my pillow and he pretended to look offended. I was readying myself for him to retaliate but instead, he just fixed himself and gave me a serious look.

“What makes one stupid when it comes to love is a person’s inability to accept their feelings… I’ve known you all my life. And I know, I swear I do know, how difficult it is for you to just feel. You’re always so black or white and that’s good – but there are times that one must stay in the grey area too, only for the sake of experiencing it.” Jinki told.

I nodded. Because maybe, just maybe, there’s nothing wrong in staying in the middle.

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*Dance Party* So Part I of this fiction is over. I will be upgrading the rating soon. Watch out for it. 


	10. Love

Love (n.)

\- No definition found.

I was in a nervous state during our class, making it hard for me to concentrate on whatever our professor was babbling about. This nervous state carried on all day long causing me to almost lose face during board work, trip on the stairs, and more or less destroy a very expensive laboratory equipment in the university’s physics lab.

I didn’t know that a person can, just by being ridiculously endearing, cause this much confusion. Was I in love like Jinki said?

Far from it.

They say that when you’re in love, you’d know it. You’d feel it in your heart. But what people fail to consider is that the heart cannot understand such complexities. Hearts are practical and they were made to keep us alive. Love, as absurd as it may sound, seems like a choice to me.

You don’t get to choose your life but we can choose how to live it. Normal is not exactly what I would describe my life to be. I grew up in a household with a neurosurgeon and an evolutionary biologist as parents who know very little of child rearing. I do not resent my parents, they’ve given me everything I could imagine having – a good home, occasional luxuries, enviable education, and superior genes. That is why, it is always a wonder for me when people ask me how difficult my life is, considering my parents are always busy. The answer is, my life is not difficult.

My parents happen to love what they do, and I respect them for that. Sure, we rarely see each other as my father is busy saving lives and/or imparting knowledge to future surgeons and my mother is mostly exploring the world, researching. But what they lack in attentiveness, they make up in knowledge. Both my parents understand the value of knowing, thus they let me do basically anything – from going to other countries to join physics conventions, to experimenting, and to even set-up my own laboratory at our basement. I, in turn, do my best to hone my craft and make sure that their trust is never broken.

As of my emotional needs, well, I have little need of them; partly because I was wired that way and partly because I see little importance in emotional frolicking.

That is, until I met Minho.

Minho: he who was so loathsome with all his undeterred romance, soothing words, and endearing gestures. I didn’t know for sure whether I love him, but I care for him –so much that it scares the hell out of me. What if I loved him and didn’t work out? Where does that love go?

There’s a reason why I’m very good at being alone. It wasn’t because I am used to be left alone, nor because I thought people cannot make me happy. I thought that, maybe if I loved it will consume me and that when I am out of it, I will fall apart. It’s more convenient living a life with little emotional attachment, because then you are free to do as you want without thinking of people’s feelings. You learn not to lean on it and shape your world around it. Because what if you make love the center of your life and then you realize it was not there to begin with? Would anyone be able to survive that kind of pain?

But one must take risks right? Even if the risk is having your life be potentially destroyed because your emotional pain is too much to take.

That is why I decided to confront it, like the brave person I believed I am. I needed to speak to Minho. After all my classes were over, I asked the driver to take me to Minho’s house. Once there I plucked my courage up and walked towards the door. I knocked. There was no answer. I knocked again. The door opened and there was Kibum standing and looking disheveled, holding a puppy. A puppy. A miniature canine with teeth that can pierce your skin and break your bones, that can give your rabies and make you do crazy things, a little monster disguised as a cute, adorable pet that will lick your face when you’re sleeping with all its acidic and sloppy saliva.

I was so scared that I screamed and almost went running. Kibum must have noticed my undisguised fear because then he asked me to wait at the door while he hid the puppy. Once he disposed of the little monster (assumingly and hopefully) he opened the door. I stepped in tentatively and he laughed at my carefulness.

“You’re scared of puppies?” he chuckled. Not even trying to hide his amusement.

“Not just puppies, but anything that has rabies in it.” I said.

He reached out and pinched my cheek, “Aigoo. You’re really something else, you know that. You looking for frog face?” he asked.

“Uhm… yes,” I answered reluctantly. To be honest, I didn’t even know what to say to him.

Kibum offered me a seat to their now furnished living room. I took a seat with much hesitation, afraid that the little monster might be lurking somewhere. I’d rather stand and be ready to dash off than sit down and be mauled by it. Kibum, sensing my discomfort, spoke to re-assure my safety, “Don’t worry our Jonghyun won’t bite you. He’s contained in the kitchen. You’re safe. Just sit down yeah? I’ll call Minho.”

He left the living room and I saw him get upstairs, a few seconds after I heard loud footsteps coming down and Minho appeared in the living room dressed in a comfortable, wooly jumper and tattered shorts. I smiled at him.

He smiled back at me and I noticed that he was acting rather coy. He sat down beside me and started to scratch his head adorably. “Uhm… what are you doing here?” he asked me shyly.

I was looking anywhere but him. It was embarrassing being there for no apparent reason other than to see him, and well, ask him about something. So I told him, “There is something I need to ask you.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Why do you own a dog?” I blurted out. He gave out a hearty laugh, probably the most delightful laugh I’ve heard from him.

He gently nudged me before putting his arm over my shoulder. My heart started to beat faster. I probably blushed then because I felt heat all over my face and my ears were painfully warm. “You’re really something else, you know?” he said.

“I might have heard that.” I replied.

Minho scooted closer and he lifted my chin, forcing me to look at his softened and inviting face. Out of panic, I yanked off him and gapped our seats. He scratched his head again and I heard him mutter to himself something I didn’t fully comprehend.

“Uhm…,” he began again but I cut and instantly decided to ask him the question I wanted to ask him but was afraid to.

“Doyouwannabeofficial?” I asked quickly.

“What?”

I took a deep breath and asked him again. “I said, do you want to be official? This thing between you and me. Us. Because you said you like me and I really like you to, probably in the same way you like me to. But not as severe, but it’s still there. And it’s making me hard to focus on anything lately because I keep on wondering what we are and I didn’t know so now I’m just asking you directly. Uhm, it is fine if we’re not. I mean, if you’re quite bored of me or something, but I really need to know it now because I’m raking my head for answers that only you can possibly answer,” I said.

Minho looked at me as if I just told him the string theory in its entirety. “So you… want to make it official?”

At that point, I wanted to sink to the ground. I probably was if not for this burgundy sofa standing between me and the floor. “I wasn’t making it, I was asking.” I reiterated.

I was looking at the floor and he called out my name. “Taemin. “ I sheepishly looked at him, and when I was facing him, he lunged at me and kissed me.

Minho moved his lips against mine, slowly and pleasantly. Teeth grazed my bottom lip, and I tilted my head down to properly maneuver his tongue into my mouth. It was beautiful. It was neither hurried nor greedy but instead it was subtle and giving. I felt the world becoming too big and beautiful. I felt important but at the same diminutive. That’s how largeness makes you feel. You experience it and you realize how little you’ve really had, and it lingers because it’s so visceral and gripping.

We would have continued kissing but our passionate dalliance was disturbed by the sound of a barking puppy. Those little monsters sure do know to take the peanut of the peanut butter.

Minho broke off the kiss and I saw him smirked and bit his lips before shouting, “Yah! Kibum! I know you’re there, go away or else I’ll tell dad you were the one who scratched his car!” He yelled. After which, I heard footsteps hurrying away. Minho then shifted his attention to me. He raised his eyebrows, probably taking in the sight of my flustered state. “So, does that answer your question?” he asked.

I tried to gather myself but I was so scattered far apart it would probably take a while to be put together again, so instead, I nodded. 

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AGASKDJLSDJSJK;ka;/ Their first kiss. I was getting all sorts of kilig when I wrote this. And I'm so happy, this story is only a few subscribers away from 100. Yay!


	11. Questions

Questions (n.)

\- Sometimes, the question is more important than the answer.

It is important to ask questions. When bad things happen we are quick to jump to consult the universe why. Why me? How did it come to this? Why now? We don’t, however, ask these questions when good things happen to us. We presume that good things happen to us because we deserve it. We feel entitled somehow to have received goodness. Only the ungrateful question their blessings, they say. Out of habit, I question everything. As a budding scientist it my pursuit to structure the world through scientific breakthroughs; scientific breakthroughs must and should begin with a question. So I ask.

Why am I happy?

When I was younger, I wanted to be Zooey Glass.

Let me explain. I read Salinger when I was in high school. Strangely, I didn’t start with Catcher in the Rye. I started with Franny and Zooey. Growing up surrounded by a lot of books I had the choicest pick of paperbacks ranging from books about sailing, to thick volumes of Aquinas’ Summa Theologica. But I found Salinger was different, that Zooey Glass was different. He was heartless, cutting, caustic—his personality so grating, so sarcastic, so irreverent—that I automatically wanted to be him. This was my first realization of that impossible question: are we attracted to people because we want to be them? 

It takes a certain kind of person to like Zooey: the desire for the difficult, for intolerable situations, for the challenge of such a mind, for that kind of contest. The question is whether one could last with him—one cannot pit the same inexorability against each other, somebody has to give way.

See, I wanted to be Zooey Glass—charming, beautiful, caustic, witty—but then I realized that one cannot love Zooey Glass.

So why am I happy? Why in the world do I feel loved? As usual, I consulted Jinki about my questions. And, as usual, he told me not to think too much about. Sometimes I wonder if he really understands me at all. But there I was, yielding to his advice “not to think too much about it.”

Somehow, my gut tells me otherwise. After all, good things never last do they?

***

At school I was greeted by a cheery Jinki and a very handsome Minho, with coffee cups in both hands, one presumably for me. Kai and I went over to where they were waiting for us and Minho offered me the other cup which Kai snatched.

“Hey, don’t steal my coffee!” I exclaimed.

Kai paid no attention and instead sipped on the cup. He let out a long drawn breath and said, “Well, why don’t you two love birds share? You’ve shared saliva already so…”

I lightly tapped his arm and scolded him. “Don’t be so uncouth Kai,” to which he responded by a casual waving.

I heard Minho laugh at my side. I hadn’t realized that his arm was already snaked around my waist. He pulled me in closer before offering his cup.

“Nah. I’ll just get another cup later,” I politely refused him.

“Why? Kai’s right you know…” he teased.

“Oh no. Not you too!” I groaned. “I just don’t like sharing cups, is all. Nothing personal.”

Minho hummed and then leaned in to peck my lips.

I noticed other people have been watching us and I tensed up. Minho noticed it and pulled away from me, but not too far away. I still felt his warmth. He apologized to me for being too familiar which I dismissed as untrue. He wasn’t being too familiar, not really. I am not entirely averted in most forms of public affection. I wasn’t exactly tactile in fact; I find a few touches here and there can be quite charming and exciting. I am quite selfish when it comes to affection and touches and I prefer them when no one is there to look.

We went to our class when Jinki realized that we were going to be late if we didn’t hurry. We were lucky to have been a few minutes earlier than our professor. We sat down and braced ourselves for another discomforting yet invigorating discussion on the nature of the human soul. Halfway in the lecture, Minho poked my side. I eyed him suspiciously and ignored him the first few times but he was insistent in getting my attention.

I turned my head to him when the professor wrote something on the board and asked him, “What is it? I am trying to pay attention here.”

“Come over to our house.”

I was ready to answer yes but then I realized that a little monster lived there and that I had an important lab work to finish.

“Can’t. I have lab work I need to finish.”

Just then our professor faced us again and began discussing. He didn’t write anything else after that one time so my conversation with Minho remained unfinished.

After class Minho took me into a secluded alcove along the hallway. I found out, quite belatedly, that he was quite needy to be touched. He hugged me as if we’ve never seen each other in years. It was endearing to say the least, how he is addicted to little touches. Especially little touches coming from me.

“Can’t you go even after your lab work?” He asked me whilst still hugging me. “I’ll wait for you then we can go to our house together.”

“Uhm… did I ever mention I have my own lab at home?”

He broke the hug and I saw him look wide-eyed, his eyes shining with amusement. “You do? You’re really loaded aren’t you?”

I responded by scratching my head. “Uhm… we can go our house if you want. Stay the night there maybe?” I asked him.

He seemed pensive for a while before answering, “Sure. I’ll meet you under the tree after your class.”

I nodded. I didn’t even bother to ask him how he knew my schedule.

***

After class I went to the courtyard to meet Minho. Imagine my surprise when I saw Jinki and Kai waiting there with him. This foursome is bound to be ominous. I just know it. And so, with much trepidation on my end, and excitement on theirs, we were driven home.

Once we arrived home Jinki and Kai immediately went upstairs, leaving Minho and I alone at the foyer. It was awkward to say the least. This is the first time I’ve asked a boyfriend over. Well, granted that I’ve never had one… but still… it made me sufficiently anxious. To invite someone into your home is like asking them to poke inside your head. Homes are made of memories, it is the shell we grew up in; you can see history unfold in it if you knew how to look. More so, I was planning on bringing Minho to my laboratory – my sanctum sanctorum, my hideaway, my happy place.

“Uhm… do you want to eat first?” I asked Minho, trying to break the burgeoning tension.

“Aren’t you supposed to do something? We can eat after that,” he responded.

I nodded testily and opened my mouth to say something but our house helper appeared, seeming excited.

“Oh, Taeminnie!” she squeaked. “Why didn’t you tell me you had a friend coming over?” The way she put emphasize on the word friend made me realize that she knew a great deal about Minho. I made a mental note to tell Kai not to blabber about my personal life, especially to excitable, sometimes overbearing house help.

“Yeah. This is Minho. Minho this is my minder, Victoria-noona.” Victoria bowed to Minho and Minho did the same.

“So, young master, should I serve dinner at your lab or do you have something else in mind?” she asked, her eyebrows wiggling and eyes shining in enthusiasm.

“We’ll just be in the lab. Doing lab work. Bring our dinner there.” I replied.

Victoria bowed down again before leaving us alone. When she was gone I started walking towards the basement where the lab was, Minho in tow. He didn’t say anything while going there, instead I noticed him eyeing every bit of our house, as if he was planning on mapping it.

“So, we’re here,” I said as we reached the door to the laboratory. I pushed the door open and led him in.

“Wow. You’re really loaded,” he finally said.

I put on my lab coat and replied, “My parents are loaded, not me. I was just lucky to be born as their child.”

“Semantics,” he responded.

Minho was seating on the couch where I usually sleep when I get sucked in at lab work. I went towards where he was but then, I tripped.

"What the hell..."

As I fell, I felt Minho trying to catch me, but he was too late. I stared at him, and then down at our position, and smiled shyly.

"Well this is convenient," he commented.

I looked away from his head and blinked. "What?"

Minho titled his head, his neck arching sensually, and smiled that smile. I felt my heart falter.

"Well," Minho elaborated. "This is all very banal isn't it? Did you mean for us to fall?"

I blinked, pushing myself up a bit more so I could look down at him carefully. "Banal?"

Minho shook his head, looking adorably sheepish. "I was kind of going for you falling on top of me, and staying on the couch." He laughed. "Is this the part where I say…" and his voice changed into a rather deep, seductive drawl.

"Now that you have me here, what do you plan on doing with me?" Faltering, I stared down at him unsurely. "Is that what you're saying?"

From amusing to serious, the mood changed abruptly. Minho’s bright eyes looked up at me, wide and conflicted. He pushed at my chest a bit, and looked away from my eyes.

"No, that's not what I'm saying," and Minho tried to push me off again. My shoulder barely twitched backward, while the rest of my body showed no intention of moving.

I looked down at him, and stopped as well. The white from the lights in the lab clashed with Minho's complexion. The curves of his features were smooth and sharp. The colors of his face and the light from the room meet into the part of his face that shined brighter than his trademark smirk, the pair of lovely silk eyes looking at me, equally as fascinated as I am.

I found that I wanted to touch that skin, maybe even run the pads of my fingers over Minho's strong jaw. And I brought up my hands and touched. Minho’s eyes fluttered shut, and moved his hand to the back of my neck, where he twirled his fingers around my hair.

At that moment, I wasn't sure if it was he who pulled me down, or if I had moved first. We met in a familiar kiss – only tasted once – and somewhere within the chaos there was completion.

Minho moved his lips against mine, slowly and pleasantly. Teeth grazed my bottom lip, and he tilted his head down to properly maneuver his tongue into my mouth. I felt hands on my neck, in my hair, and a leg shifting against mine. He abruptly stopped the kiss and took a breath, and repeated the process.

Those hands were running down my back, now. I arched slightly under the touch. He pushed me off completely and pulled up his shirt. I ran my warm palms across his body and felt a tingling in my hand.

Minho switched our positions quickly so that he was on top of me. When we settled again, he was putting more pressure on my torso, and the temptation to move was almost all-consuming.

I kissed Minho harder, and a little faster. I felt my body waking up suddenly from all the heat and action, my brain shutting down. He moved and I felt the rub of jeans against his jeans. I arched delicately under him and let out a low moan.

I was even more shocked when Minho thrust his hips, and met my friction with his. I stopped caring at that point and let my body completely take over. I wrapped my arm around his waist and pushed back. This time, the feel of a leg entwining with my own drove me near insane.

The pressure started to build between us, and I felt hot all over. I didn't know how soft and seductive kisses can turn into passionate and desperate, and I was moderately sure that Minho didn't know either. Nothing but the feel of hands, lips, legs and heat were on our minds. We could think of nothing else but the warmth we were creating and the anticipation of a release between us.

Minho thrust again, and I breathed heavily into his mouth. Minho leaned down and ran is teeth and tongue across my neck, and he leaned down a bit more to bite above my collarbone. My hands were messing up his hair, but he didn't seem to mind. 

Minho thrust again, holding me into place. The feel of his body aligned with my own, and the steady pulsing in my torso was enough to make me scream. I threw his head back again, feeling breath and heat on my jaw, until the kisses started again down my chin and back to his lips. Minho was excellent at multi-tasking, I found out, as his attention was also focused on his groin area.

He quickened his thrusts and sped up, my body reacted to his pleasantly, and I felt his pants constrict against mine. We were pushing into and onto each other, like the steady pulse of the forces of the universe. We moved as one, and the pressure bit at us and stung. We needed release more than anything, and any thoughts of stopping were pushed into the back of our minds.

Minho made one particular thrust that set me off beautifully. I felt it, Minho felt it, and he gave a sharp push forward and lost himself somewhere past what we’re doing and the rustle of crotch against crotch.

We lay there together, at my messy lab on my messy couch, basking in pleasantness. It was happiness that I felt then, and I didn’t even bother to question why.

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Putting it on Rated, just to be sure. Also, we are almost halfway there. This story has now 95 subscribers! Thank you dear readers!


	12. Brevity

Brevity (n.)

\- The greatest sin in life is in not living.

Gordon Hinckley once said that “[l]ife is meant to be enjoyed, not endured.” I figured that as much as I lay with Minho on my reliable couch. Time did not seem to matter for us that is, until Kai decided to show up. He didn’t knock yet again, and as a result he saw Minho and I atop of each other.

“Holy motherchuker!” he spluttered. “Eww. Eww. This is gross. Oh my gosh did you two just…” he formed his left thumb and pointer finger into a circle and wiggled his right pointer finger towards it. His face was contorted into disgust but with a slight hint of amusement and pride.

Minho laughed at this but I found it mortifyingly embarrassing. I really should insist that Kai learn the importance of knocking.

I covered my face with both my hands, trying to hide the physiological evidence of my embarrassment. Minho decided that it was endearing and as such took my hands off my face and kissed me on the forehead. “No need to be ashamed, what we did was just natural,” he teased me and then winked at me cheekily.

It was enough to embarrass me again.

“Stop it you depraved rabbits. I came down to eat… but my appetite seemed to have disappeared, thank you very much.” Kai said from the side. Although he said this I saw him sit down on a stool, inclining that he would indeed stay for our dinner.

Just then, Jinki entered the lab and took in the sight – me hiding on the corner of the couch, Minho still topless beside me and Kai sitting on the stool looking smug.

“Uhm, do I need to know what just happened here?” Jinki asked but he was obviously teasing as well.

Kai answered Jinki. “They had sex.”

“We didn’t!” I objected.

Jinki raised one eyebrow and looked at Minho questioningly. Minho answered by shrugging his shoulder and by saying, “We could have but Taemin junior here barged here on us.”

Kai chuckled at this. I found it rather dangerous that those two get along. I threw my shoe at Kai and it hit his head. Then, I hit Minho’s arm. “Stop acting like douches! And for the love of science, let it go, okay?!” I complained.

“I don’t know, Tae, it’s going to take a while to let this one go.” Jinki answered.

It was embarrassing, yes, but it was wonderful too. I could not ask for more.

***

The night went on as usual, well, as usual as it is. Minho, Kai, Jinki and I enjoyed dinner at our lab. I then proceeded with my lab work, Minho acting as my assistant. Jinki decidedly avoided the couch and requested for a bean bag in which he sat down while reading a rather thick anatomy book. Kai, too, was quietly doing his homework. We went on like that for hours, reveling in silence and companionship until it was broken by Victoria barging in to my lab.

“Young master…” she began. She only called me that when my parents were around. “Your parents are asking for your presence,” she continued. “I have informed them of your guests and requests to see them too.”

“Tell them I’m busy?” I said half-heartedly. Not that I didn’t want to see my parents but with Minho here things might get uncomfortable.

“Your mother bought home ice cream and spicy chicken wings.” Victoria said.

A bribe. And a clever one at that. Of course she knew Jinki favours spicy chicken wings. And who am I to resist ice cream?

“We’ll be there.” I told Victoria. The moment she left, I felt a surge of panic take over me. There are many things that could go wrong with this meeting. What if mom and dad don’t approve of Minho? Or worse they force me to break-up with him? We’re not even a day together! What if Kai say something insensitive?

“ – should go,” I heard Jinki said.

“What?”

“We should go. You’re over thinking again. It’s just your dad and mom. I’m sure everything will be fine. They’re groovy parents.”

“You make it sound they were born in the 70’s… oh wait, they were.”

Jinki patted my shoulder and encouraged me. “If things get sticky I can always do something clumsy.”

I smiled at my friend’s supportiveness. “At least that’s something I’m sure of,” I said and walked up to the dining room.

When we entered my parents were seated side by side and my mother motioned for us to seat in front of them. Kai, Jinki, and Minho sat down first and I went to kiss my parents’ cheeks. The ice cream and spicy chicken wings were already prepared for us. I sat beside Minho and he held my hand under the table to ease my nervousness.

“How are you doing Jinki? Chosen any specialty yet?” my dad asked.

Jinki smiled sheepishly. He had always admired my father. “I’m very well Mr. Lee. About that, right now, I’m still debating whether I should go to neuro like you or go to pedia.”

My father looked contemplative. “I think you’d do well in both fields. But you still have time to think about it. You still have residency training after all. And Taemin, who is this seated beside you?”

“Appa, Umma, this is Minho my…” I paused, trying to find the right word to describe him without shocking my parents. “uhm… good friend.”

My mom smirked at my discomfort before speaking. “So Kai, how is your father?”

“He’s doing well, auntie. I haven’t spoken to him in a while since he left for Japan. But I’m sure he’s doing well,” Kai answered politely.

I was relieved that we got Kai’s origin figured out. My uncle, who happened to be my godfather as well, was a prolific womanizer and a business tycoon. When we were trying to make a story as to Kai’s parentage my uncle was the first person that came to mind. With Kai’s agreement, we decided to tell him the whole story and luckily he believed us and agreed to be our alibi. We just said that he fathered Kai out of wedlock and that his mother didn’t tell him of his existence until she was dying, hence the sudden appearance of Kai. My uncle, the busy man he is, decided to send Kai here instead since he knew that he will be better taken care of here. Fortunately, my uncle is my mother’s favourite sibling and agreed to take Kai in.

“Tsk. Taesun should really take time off to bond with you,” my mother voiced out. “Anyway, how are you adjusting here?”

“Wonderful. I’ve made new friends at the university,” Kai beamed.

My father butted in at the conversation. “By new friend do you mean a girlfriend?” he teased.

Kai winked at my father. “Maybe.”

My father laughed. It was easy to see that he and mother were very fond on Kai as well. I guess it’s true what they say about the rush of the blood.

“And how about you my son, any special friend?” my dad segued.

I may have blushed at his question because the truth is my special friend had his fingers laced in mine under the table.

It was mom, however, who answered for me. “Oh darling, no need to pressure our son. I’m certain that Minho here is a wonderful man.”

I gasped and began spluttering but mom and dad laughed instead. “Sorry son,” my dad began, “we already asked Victoria. We just wanted to embarrass you.”

I groaned and covered my face yet again. This face covering act has been happening far too much this day. In an instant my life has turned into an accumulation of awkward scenarios, much like a gag show minus the part where the protagonist is not a cynical 16-year old.

My father stood up and reached out to shake Minho’s hand. Minho did the same and shook my father’s hand firmly and steadily, as if trying to prove his worth via hand shake.

My mother, still smiling, then said, “now that we’ve established that, let’s eat, shall we?”

\----------

This chapter is meh. I am sorry, summer is melting away my creative juices.


	13. Crumble

Crumble (v.)

\- Only when we fall apart we realize how we are never really put together.

Light is considered to be the fastest thing in the universe, yet despite this it took more than a hundred years before the light from the North Star reached our planet. It only proves the vastness of the universe and how infinitely large it is that even the fastest thing takes years to traverse it. The opposite could be said with human gossip. Human gossip, despite its miniscule speed in relation to light, seems to travel faster from one point to another than light.

It’s funny when you think of how quick words spread despite its deviation from accuracy. Before I came to the university, only a few people bothered to notice me – the intelligent kind. Back then I was just the teenage prodigy that people pass over. I was unpopular to the student populace but was known to the academic staff. Well, in my case was because of my parents’ clout. It didn’t bother me that the academic staff saw me in that light because I was eager to prove them my worth – that I more than my parents’ son, that I can also do wonderful things without them. That was impossible, of course, because even my intelligence was a product of my parents’ genetic inheritance. Being the pragmatist that I am, eventually I’ve decided not to bother outshining their light and instead, refract from it, and in time forge my own. And forged my own light, I did. Just after one semester people stopped seeing me as my parents’ son and saw my twinkle.

Now, it seems, my light’s been shining brightly – too bright for my liking, and for the most asinine reasons in the world. If during my first year here I was Lee Taemin, my parents’ son, now, during my last year I am Lee Taemin, Minho’s boyfriend. 

It was the day after Minho met my parents; Kai and I had the same free period so we agreed to spend it together. We were sitting back to back on the grass under a shady tree when a guy wearing a varsity jacket, a member of our soccer team, approached us. He sat adjacent to as if he were our friend. I shifted and faced the guy and Kai did the same too, anticipating the reason he sat there with us in the first place.

“You’re Lee Taemin right? Minho’s boyfriend?” he asked me.

I looked at Kai before answering, hoping for some sort of an explanation as to why a total stranger knows my name and my relationship with Minho. Kai looked as dumbfounded as I was, if not more.

“Uhm… yes? How do you know who I am?” I questioned.

“Everybody knows who you are?”

“Pardon?”

“You know, ‘cause you are Minho’s current boyfriend. You should be aware of that.”

I packed my things in my bag, Kai following suit, and stood up.

“Actually, I am not aware that becoming Minho’s boyfriend has such benefit.” I replied dryly.

The guy stood up and smiled. “Actually it does, among other things… Anyway I only came here to invite you to a party this Friday at our frat house. Bring Minho too… and…” he eyed Kai from head to toe, “…your brother?”

“He’s not my –“ before I could finish my sentence he’s already walked away. I turned to Kai, whose face still looked star struck.

“What the hell just happened?” I asked no one specifically.

“Cool. You just got invited by Choi Siwon.” Kai answered me monotonously.

“And so…?”

“Tae, he’s only the president of the most prestigious fraternity here in the university. I’ve heard from Taeyon that he’s so picky with who he invites with their parties.” Kai said, his voice still unchanging.

“Oh. And who is Taeyon?” I asked him.

I noticed Kai blush and a smile grew on my face. “Is she the diner girl?” Kai responded by biting his lip and nodding furiously. “Don’t worry, I won’t ask you to tell me details if you don’t want to.”

“Okay… but for the record, we’re also dating,” he confessed. I squealed and pushed him and he almost fell to the grass.

“What was that for?! I could have died!” Kai shouted.

“I was just playing around.”

“Well don’t. A fall like that could kill me you know,” he said before walking away and leaving me alone.

***

“What exactly did he say?” Jinki asked me. After Kai’s outburst I told Jinki what happened, hoping that he could somehow explain my son’s behavior. Jinki is definitely more perceptive, more sensitive, and has a deeper and more meaningful understanding of the human psyche than me. So anything that involves deviant human behavior, I consult Jinki.

“He said that a fall could kill him.”

“Hmmm.” Jinki contemplated. “It could be that because he’s a time traveler, his physiology is more fragile than us.”

What Jinki said made a lot of sense. “Of course. He’s already starting to disintegrate, as such is molecular structure is already too fragile and if he fell that time, he would have hit the ground which was more compact and definitely denser than him, it could be possible that he’d disappear if an impact like that occurs.”

“Something like that.”

***

Light, aside from being the fastest thing in the universe, is also the most fundamental unit of measurement. Time and space are measured in relation to light. In fact, the speed of light, along with the principle of relativity, is what led Einstein to formulate his special theory of relativity. 

The days flowed fast that week, and at last it was Friday. I was standing in the middle of the room with Jinki. At that moment, I was the unmoving observer – I watched as people interacted with each other; some were dancing, others having fun, and a few were engaged in rather intimate mouth inspection. I saw them as they moved around the frat house – the universe which housed us during that time.

“I thought Minho would meet us here?” Jinki asked me. I saw that he was very uncomfortable at that moment. But I had other things to worry. Kai was somewhere out there, having fun with Taeyon, I was sure. There is one more person missing – my light – the constant in which I measure time and space – Minho.

“He said that. We just have to find him.” I said. I tiptoed to see more and searched for Minho among the crowd. Jinki did the same. We were standing awkwardly in the room, like two lost children at the mall. Lucky for us, none was really paying attention to us as they were busy with frippery.

“There he is!” I heard Jinki say and he pulled me to where he saw Minho. True enough, Minho was there. Just like when I first saw him, he was seated in a loveseat and surrounded by people. I noticed that Choi Siwon was there, as well as others who I assumed were popular college students as well. I saw too, that Nichkhun was beside him – too close in fact. Jinki saw that too and stopped pulling me.

“Is that… whats-his-name? Neeko?”

“Nichkhun.” I corrected him. “His ex.” I spat the word 'ex' as if it were the worst thing a person could be. Perhaps in this case, it was.

Jinki probably sensed my annoyance. “We should go there,” he suggested. But I didn’t move. As I stood there I saw how happy Minho was surrounded by those people, how he stood up compared to them. I saw that he was at ease, this was where he belonged, where he thrived, where he shined. I understood now why people cared too much about what Minho does. He is like this fire, moths wanted to be around him.

Like that Nichkhun that is stuck to his side like a third arm or something. The next thing I remembered was something that is forever etched in my memory.

Nichkhun cupped Minho’s face and pulled it. Nichkhun smiled, and Minho too. Then… Nichkhun kissed him. I heard that people around them jeered and cheered for them, as if they were the ones in a relationship, as if they were suitable to each other.

As I stood there, watching the scene unfold, something in me withered. Idealism? Romance? I don’t know really. I couldn’t understand my feelings then. I really don’t.

Despite my cynicism and lack of faith in humanity, deep down I believed that people can belong to each other exclusively. Like how the moon and the planet is – pulled towards each other. But that moment, I wanted to abandon that notion. After all, some moons can get sucked into the planet’s gravitational pull and then the two of them collide, ultimately damaging each other. For a brief, irrational moment, I wanted to go there and pull them apart, shout at them and berate Minho for allowing Nichkhun to kiss him like that. It would have been easy, the path was straight and unblocked. But I didn’t. Perhaps, it is also the reason why light travels in a straight line – it could not be bothered to go askew because the universe is just too immense. It is too wide. Just like the gap between me and Minho. We are of different planes, me and him.

I knew then that whatever notion of happiness I could have with him was borne out of the idealism of belongingness. I didn’t realize then how susceptible we all were to illusions, and often these illusions are also our most important beliefs.

I didn’t know how long I stood there. A minute? It seemed like a long time, really. A long time for the final brick of reality to fall over my head. 

\----------------

*Insert ominous music here* Here comes the angst. Enjoy. :D (Also this is my way to apologize for the sorry excuse of a chapter.)

PS. Rawr27, I've finally decided what I wanted for the poster, I'll contact you on Tumblr. :)


	14. Maybe

Maybe (adv.)

\- Maybe Atlas’ burden is not that he carries the world upon his shoulders but that he let himself carry it the first place.

“—min! Taemin!” I heard Kai call my name from behind. I looked back to meet his face only to see that it is painted with a shocked expression. It was only then that I realized what truly was happening. I looked left and saw Jinki had the same expression too, only his was mired with disappointment.

Many things conspired in a matter of seconds. One moment Kai was behind, the next I saw him punch Minho square in the jaw. There was a collective sound of breaths gasping – and then chaos. I heard Choi Siwon cuss at Kai, and saw that everyone's attention were focused on Kai and Minho. Nichkhun stayed seated, to discombobulated to move. Minho was nursing his bruising jaw and Kai was furious, shouting and threatening Minho whilst being held by two other guys. 

People began to flock around the scene and I realized that I was being pulled. I was still too shell-shocked to even process or think. I let myself be pulled by… by Kai. “Let’s get out of here,” I heard him say. I might have said yes, either way I was relieved to be pulled out of that house.

“I’m fine,” I said as Kai kept pulling me. “I can walk on my own.”

“But…”

“Where’s Jinki?”

“Inside, I think? I’ll call him…”

“Okay.”

Kai whipped out his phone and dialed Jinki’s number. “…we’re outside…. Yeah yeah… we’ll be waiting then.” After Kai put his phone inside his jeans pocket he came onto me and hugged me. “You’re going to be fine, Dad. I’m sorry.”

I didn’t make a motion to hug him back, instead I pushed him back. “Let’s go somewhere.”

He looked at me incredulously, as if I suggested something impossible.

“I can ask Appa to excuse us from our classes. Or not,” I snorted. “It’s not like we’re going to fail anyway. What say you?”

“I don’t think you’re thinking straight now,” I heard a voice behind me say. It was Jinki. “You just can’t take a vacation anytime you want Taemin, even if you’re the son of one of the board members of this school.”

“Fine. I’ll go by myself then.” I stated.

“Tae..” Jinki began, “I understand how you’re feeling but this is not the way to deal with it.”

I laughed. “Do you have better ideas huh? Because right now all I want is to get as far as I can from this place. All I want right now is to do something impulsive, something stupid and something that does not require me to think at all. Is that too much to ask?”

Jinki’s eyes softened, then he nodded his head, perhaps in understanding. “Let’s just go home for now. We’ll take it from there.”

***

A longing. A gash. Something in me broke. I was in my lab, the one place I am most comfortable in. I walk across the room and crouched behind the tattered sofa. I closed my eyes and hugged my knees. My arms were cold, and so were my feet. I heard something shuffle from the door. I look at whatever is looming there – an apparition perhaps? It is coming closer. Closer and closer. It sat beside me.

I was relieved to see that it was Jinki. ‘Can I sit beside you?” He asked. Jinki sat down and I immediately curled towards him. Something in me did not feel right at that moment. I knew that he knew that. The most beautiful thing about my friendship with Jinki is our attunement. It’s like we share the same psychic wave length – we feel each other, we understand each other even without speaking.

He pulled me in closer and I buried my face in his chest, and then I wept.

Silently and unceremoniously a single tear fell from my eye. Only silence was echoed in the room. Tears started to roll, one by one, like the waves hugging and longing for the shore. No words were said; he understood that I needed to let it out. Jinki didn’t even dare pick me up. He just let me weep on his chest. His hand was now patting my head as I let out a high-pitched sob. We stayed that way for an hour or so. I buried myself in anguish. Then, I fell asleep.

***

When I woke up I found myself in my room. I stared at the ceiling before looking on my left to check the time. It was 5 in the afternoon. I scanned the room and saw Jinki and Kai on the far side, watching television. I shuffled, rather loudly, apparently because Kai looked back and went towards me.

“Do you want anything?” he inquired.

“How did I end up here?” I asked.

“I asked the driver to carry you here. I reckoned you wouldn’t want to sleep on the couch.” It was Jinki who answered.

There is a sequence that moves over pain. One memory leading to another that is meant to be replayed. The sofa. Our first act of intimacy. I discovered how capable the human body is when it comes to pain. Many say that pain is unbearable, but it isn’t. It is endless. It consumes you and looks upon people and commits itself to memory. There will be no pain without memory. Pain is an endless haunting of sequenced memories. It destroys parts of you and in the end it will leave certain parts untouched – parts that can feed it so that it can grow more potent, more daunting. Pain is accurate and surgical, targeting the most potent memories first and gnaws its way into every fiber of your being until you are drowning in nothing but memories after memories until you discover yourself in ruins.

Pain is a fucked up bitch that knows no limit. Pain is like time, sustained by the human imagination. Like time, it is endless – neither here nor there.

“Minho was here,” Jinki said and Kai shoved him lightly to shush him. Jinki shoved back. “He’d rather know. Wouldn’t you?” he directed me the question. I nodded. Of course I’d rather know. Or do I?

My aim in life, my real raison d’être is to know everything that is knowable at any given time. Now I’m not so sure I wanted to know everything. But I acquiesced anyway. “And?...”

“I sent him away.”

“What did he say?”

“Didn’t say anything. He just… went away when I asked him to.” Jinki answered. “He looked defeated Tae…” he added softly.

“As it should be!” Kai vocalized loudly. “That two-timing jerk! He’s lucky I wasn’t there when he came here or else I would’ve punched him again!” he seethed.

I let out a dry laugh. “Honestly I don’t care what happens to him.”

“You don’t?” Jinki asked.

Kai was fast to retort, “Of course he doesn’t! Minho is a bastard! I can’t believe I was rooting for him!”

“I don’t believe in anything anymore,” I whispered as I let my mind dwell in memories again.

***

Blaming is a human necessity. I initiated a search for the culprit. Anyone would do, actually – Minho, who stole all my fervour and faith in love, or Nichkhun who took Minho away from me. Or could it be that Minho was never mine to begin with? That too can be blamed. The notion of belonging, (that treacherous, underhanded bastard) that we are all halves of someone else. It could also be my academic life which took my childhood early on. My family and friends, too, can be the culprit, although I can find no fault about them at the moment.

The truth is I was powerless against them all. The only person responsible that could have allowed all the stealing to happen was me. Only I was the culprit. Indeed, was I not the principal culprit determining his fate? I was in control of everything until he demanded absolution. I let things slip into my hands; sometimes I held to loose, sometimes I held to tight. I refused to seek the right way of holding the grains of sand in my hands. It is my folly that led me to believe that I can be loved by Minho.

I never stopped reminding myself that being a character of relevance meant sacrificing one’s emotions. Those words had the rig of truth. I believed in myself as if I was the highest value of all, and in turn, I’ve forgotten to check other people’s reasons and motivations.

I demanded justice. I wanted to see the culprit penalized. I insisted to remain alone for the moment. I wanted to redeem myself, to build myself again, to pick out myself again, and fight pain. 

Maybe I did not need redemption, ah, maybe he does. What if I was meant to lose all and gain nothing? What if this pain is necessary? 

Maybe after a few more hours I’d learn the answers that I need.

Maybe… 

\------------

How was it? Tell me maybe? 

Also, thank you Rawr27 for the wonderful poster. :)


	15. Stillness

Maybe (adv.)

\- Maybe Atlas’ burden is not that he carries the world upon his shoulders but that he let himself carry it the first place.

“—min! Taemin!” I heard Kai call my name from behind. I looked back to meet his face only to see that it is painted with a shocked expression. It was only then that I realized what truly was happening. I looked left and saw Jinki had the same expression too, only his was mired with disappointment.

Many things conspired in a matter of seconds. One moment Kai was behind, the next I saw him punch Minho square in the jaw. There was a collective sound of breaths gasping – and then chaos. I heard Choi Siwon cuss at Kai, and saw that everyone's attention were focused on Kai and Minho. Nichkhun stayed seated, to discombobulated to move. Minho was nursing his bruising jaw and Kai was furious, shouting and threatening Minho whilst being held by two other guys. 

People began to flock around the scene and I realized that I was being pulled. I was still too shell-shocked to even process or think. I let myself be pulled by… by Kai. “Let’s get out of here,” I heard him say. I might have said yes, either way I was relieved to be pulled out of that house.

“I’m fine,” I said as Kai kept pulling me. “I can walk on my own.”

“But…”

“Where’s Jinki?”

“Inside, I think? I’ll call him…”

“Okay.”

Kai whipped out his phone and dialed Jinki’s number. “…we’re outside…. Yeah yeah… we’ll be waiting then.” After Kai put his phone inside his jeans pocket he came onto me and hugged me. “You’re going to be fine, Dad. I’m sorry.”

I didn’t make a motion to hug him back, instead I pushed him back. “Let’s go somewhere.”

He looked at me incredulously, as if I suggested something impossible.

“I can ask Appa to excuse us from our classes. Or not,” I snorted. “It’s not like we’re going to fail anyway. What say you?”

“I don’t think you’re thinking straight now,” I heard a voice behind me say. It was Jinki. “You just can’t take a vacation anytime you want Taemin, even if you’re the son of one of the board members of this school.”

“Fine. I’ll go by myself then.” I stated.

“Tae..” Jinki began, “I understand how you’re feeling but this is not the way to deal with it.”

I laughed. “Do you have better ideas huh? Because right now all I want is to get as far as I can from this place. All I want right now is to do something impulsive, something stupid and something that does not require me to think at all. Is that too much to ask?”

Jinki’s eyes softened, then he nodded his head, perhaps in understanding. “Let’s just go home for now. We’ll take it from there.”

***

A longing. A gash. Something in me broke. I was in my lab, the one place I am most comfortable in. I walk across the room and crouched behind the tattered sofa. I closed my eyes and hugged my knees. My arms were cold, and so were my feet. I heard something shuffle from the door. I look at whatever is looming there – an apparition perhaps? It is coming closer. Closer and closer. It sat beside me.

I was relieved to see that it was Jinki. ‘Can I sit beside you?” He asked. Jinki sat down and I immediately curled towards him. Something in me did not feel right at that moment. I knew that he knew that. The most beautiful thing about my friendship with Jinki is our attunement. It’s like we share the same psychic wave length – we feel each other, we understand each other even without speaking.

He pulled me in closer and I buried my face in his chest, and then I wept.

Silently and unceremoniously a single tear fell from my eye. Only silence was echoed in the room. Tears started to roll, one by one, like the waves hugging and longing for the shore. No words were said; he understood that I needed to let it out. Jinki didn’t even dare pick me up. He just let me weep on his chest. His hand was now patting my head as I let out a high-pitched sob. We stayed that way for an hour or so. I buried myself in anguish. Then, I fell asleep.

***

When I woke up I found myself in my room. I stared at the ceiling before looking on my left to check the time. It was 5 in the afternoon. I scanned the room and saw Jinki and Kai on the far side, watching television. I shuffled, rather loudly, apparently because Kai looked back and went towards me.

“Do you want anything?” he inquired.

“How did I end up here?” I asked.

“I asked the driver to carry you here. I reckoned you wouldn’t want to sleep on the couch.” It was Jinki who answered.

There is a sequence that moves over pain. One memory leading to another that is meant to be replayed. The sofa. Our first act of intimacy. I discovered how capable the human body is when it comes to pain. Many say that pain is unbearable, but it isn’t. It is endless. It consumes you and looks upon people and commits itself to memory. There will be no pain without memory. Pain is an endless haunting of sequenced memories. It destroys parts of you and in the end it will leave certain parts untouched – parts that can feed it so that it can grow more potent, more daunting. Pain is accurate and surgical, targeting the most potent memories first and gnaws its way into every fiber of your being until you are drowning in nothing but memories after memories until you discover yourself in ruins.

Pain is a fucked up bitch that knows no limit. Pain is like time, sustained by the human imagination. Like time, it is endless – neither here nor there.

“Minho was here,” Jinki said and Kai shoved him lightly to shush him. Jinki shoved back. “He’d rather know. Wouldn’t you?” he directed me the question. I nodded. Of course I’d rather know. Or do I?

My aim in life, my real raison d’être is to know everything that is knowable at any given time. Now I’m not so sure I wanted to know everything. But I acquiesced anyway. “And?...”

“I sent him away.”

“What did he say?”

“Didn’t say anything. He just… went away when I asked him to.” Jinki answered. “He looked defeated Tae…” he added softly.

“As it should be!” Kai vocalized loudly. “That two-timing jerk! He’s lucky I wasn’t there when he came here or else I would’ve punched him again!” he seethed.

I let out a dry laugh. “Honestly I don’t care what happens to him.”

“You don’t?” Jinki asked.

Kai was fast to retort, “Of course he doesn’t! Minho is a bastard! I can’t believe I was rooting for him!”

“I don’t believe in anything anymore,” I whispered as I let my mind dwell in memories again.

***

Blaming is a human necessity. I initiated a search for the culprit. Anyone would do, actually – Minho, who stole all my fervour and faith in love, or Nichkhun who took Minho away from me. Or could it be that Minho was never mine to begin with? That too can be blamed. The notion of belonging, (that treacherous, underhanded bastard) that we are all halves of someone else. It could also be my academic life which took my childhood early on. My family and friends, too, can be the culprit, although I can find no fault about them at the moment.

The truth is I was powerless against them all. The only person responsible that could have allowed all the stealing to happen was me. Only I was the culprit. Indeed, was I not the principal culprit determining his fate? I was in control of everything until he demanded absolution. I let things slip into my hands; sometimes I held to loose, sometimes I held to tight. I refused to seek the right way of holding the grains of sand in my hands. It is my folly that led me to believe that I can be loved by Minho.

I never stopped reminding myself that being a character of relevance meant sacrificing one’s emotions. Those words had the rig of truth. I believed in myself as if I was the highest value of all, and in turn, I’ve forgotten to check other people’s reasons and motivations.

I demanded justice. I wanted to see the culprit penalized. I insisted to remain alone for the moment. I wanted to redeem myself, to build myself again, to pick out myself again, and fight pain. 

Maybe I did not need redemption, ah, maybe he does. What if I was meant to lose all and gain nothing? What if this pain is necessary? 

Maybe after a few more hours I’d learn the answers that I need.

Maybe… 

\------------

How was it? Tell me maybe? 

Also, thank you Rawr27 for the wonderful poster. :)


	16. Wordsmith

Wordsmith (n.)

\- To utter words is to create a world.

I couldn’t sleep that night as I kept on replaying the last conversation I had with Minho. I stood up and sat by the window and looked out at the night sky which was bright enough to suggest that dawn is on its way. I haven’t had a decent sleep in days and it started to affect my daily business. Without sleep I could not function quite as well as I usually do and it affected the quality of my output. I was frustrated beyond words, though I did not know to whom or to what. It would have been easy to just push all the blame to Minho, but I realized that was very unfair. He did look repentant after all. I wanted to believe in his words, I wanted to convince myself that there is more to the story, but I wasn’t quite there yet.

I once read that the unconscious is oblivious to ethics, that is, it cannot distinguish between right and wrong. I guess what that meant was that though Minho has wronged me, deep inside I still feel that he did the right thing. I forced myself into a “quiet disaster” in order to listen or at least recognize him again – a dimwit stratagem hatched by the unconscious, damn that irritating Freudian concept, which does not recognize dimensions such as time, distance, causality or Minho's mistake. I am a master of pruning, a skilled surgeon of some sort, yet I cannot snip the thought of Minho out of my life. And as if though I know he did not want to hurt me, I still blamed him for making me feel this way. Helpless, hurt, and utterly confounded.

As if on cue, the sun rose and I groaned. Another night wasted contemplating on the imbroglios of life. Another night dedicated on trying to resolve my emotions. So I picked myself up and took a bath, went down to drink copious amount of coffee and had breakfast with Kai.

Kai. Somehow, I’ve forgotten his part in all of this. Clearly, he was strained because of the situation Minho and I were in. He wouldn’t admit it out loud but I knew he wanted us to be okay even if it meant that he’d have to disappear.

What if this is time itself telling us that what’s to happen should happen? Looking at Kai I realized my selfishness. Would I be really willing to leave his existence to chance?

“Kai…”

He looked up at me curiously. “What?”

“This time travel thing, if Minho and I ended up together you could disappear right? If that is so wouldn’t that imply that you would not be able to go back in time, the here-now, to change it?”

He contemplated for a while before giving me a wide smile. “You could always adopt me.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“It doesn’t? But I was thinking that this could create a divergent timeline.”

“Hmmm.” I said and puffed my cheeks. “That does make a lot of sense, actually. It means that regardless if you disappear, another version of you exists in another timeline which means that my version there did not end up with Minho.”

“Exactly,” Kai said. I almost believed him but there is something in his eyes that hindered me to trust his words to the end.

“You’re a good son, you know. No, scratch that. You’re a good person and I am so lucky to have met you. I know I am not very affectionate but I wanted to say I’m glad that you came back. I care about you Kai. Remember that yeah? You’ve changed my life and you make me happy.”

Kai made a disgusted face, albeit a contrived one. I saw that he was pleased. He was content and that brought me twofold happiness. “Eew. Father what is wrong with you? Should I call Victoria-noona and send you to the hospital?”

And for the first time that week I managed to smile.

***

At class I was surprised to see a cheery Kibum waiting for me. His cheerfulness is the kind that hides a scheme of some sort. My suspicions were confirmed when he waved at me and Kai, much to Kai’s surprise.

“Who is that?” he asked.

“Minho’s brother.”

He looked at me, confused. “Why is he here? Did you and Minho made up already?

“Not yet.”

“Then why is he… happy?”

“I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out.”

Kai and I walked to where Kibum was standing but he was too impatient and went running to hug me. “Oh Taemin! I heard what my idiot brother did to you. I’m sorry. So sorry.”

“Uhmm,” I said as I tried to pry Kibum away. “Kibum you are suffocating me.” Jibum let go and noticed that Kai was there, watching us awkwardly.

“Your brother?” Kibum inquired and pointed at Kai.

“Nope. My cousin.”

He just shrugged off the information, deeming it superfluous. “Anyway I came here to tell you that I am on your side. I heard he cheated,” I winced at the word. “But I do owe him some favors and decided to blackmail me into doing this.”

I looked at Kibum expectantly, waiting for his next move. He then took out a folded piece of paper from his pocket.

“Froggie face demanded that I give this to you. Also he says that no matter what he’ll win you back. Although I cannot fathom how a piece of paper can do that,” he explained as he handed me the letter.

I took the letter without saying anything and shoved it inside my bag. Kibum watched me sadly as I did. “Oh well. I’ve done my familial duty. I should go now. It was nice seeing you again Taemin. Hopefully this isn’t our last.”

Without waiting for my reply Kibum moseyed away, leaving a baffled me and a very curious Kai behind.

“Read the letter,” Kai suggested ever so strongly.

“I’ll read it later.”

“Why not now?”

Why not indeed? With much hesitation I pulled out the letter I hastily shoved in my bag, unfolded it, and read it.

The letter only had three words: Kai No Yokan.

Kai stood behind me to read the letter and upon reading it gave a very discomforting smile. “Wow. Minho’s really giving his best doesn’t he?”

“What do you mean? I don’t even know what this means.”

“I know,” Kai replied. “It’s Japanese.”

“You speak Japanese?”

“Irrelevant information. Kai No Yokan means “the sense that you are falling in love you get when meeting a person.”

I creased my eyebrows. “The idea of love at first sight?” I asked Kai.

“It isn't just that. It means something deeper, something more romantic and ephemeral."

"Is this supposed to win me over?"

Kai shrugged his shoulders. "I don’t know. Why don’t you ask yourself that?” he answered.

***

The rest of that day was filled with various people approaching me, all Minho’s lackeys or friends carrying a piece of paper with very few words written on them.

Kilig.

Mamihlapinatapei.

Cafuné.

Forelsket.

La Douleur Exquise.

Ya’aburnee.

Saudade.

Yuanfen.

And finally, the last letter:

Litost.

Taemin, I am sorry.

At first I couldn’t make sense of the words, and worse still was finding its connection between Minho and I. The romanticism of it all was very welcome but not once did I see Minho that day which left me feeling restless. I decided, instead, to feed my curiosity by searching for the words on the internet.

As I typed the words and read its meaning I couldn’t help but feel a certain longing for him; something in me yearned to be with him – to forgive him. But I held on to my logic. Regardless of the beauty of the words and their meaning, there is still an explanation to be given. But one thing was for sure – I was ready to forgive. And at that night, I slept soundly. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kilig (Filipino) - the overwhelming feeling of excitement you get when you interact with someone you like or witness something romantic.

Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego) - The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start.

Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese) - The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone’s hair.

Forelsket: (Norwegian) - The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.

La Douleur Exquise (French) - The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you cannot have.

Ya’aburnee(Arabic) - Literally, “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

Saudade (Portuguese) - The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. 

Yuanfen (Chinese) - A relationship by fate or destiny. A complex concept that draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture.

Litost (Czech) - A state of agony and torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery.


	17. Loneliness

Loneliness (n.)

\- What we fail to realize is that much of life is an act of trying to fill gaps of loneliness.

It still took a few days before I decided that I was ready to hear Minho’s side of the story. I was glad that Minho respected my feelings by keeping his distance. During class we silently agreed to work together and talk about anything but the direction of our relationship, which I was grateful for. Honestly, it wasn’t that I wanted to punish Minho for his indiscretion, although a tiny part of me wanted to do that. I simply needed time to process and grieve, to ride the waves of my emotions and let it settle down. It would be unfair for Minho to not hear his explanation when I’m aggravated or unready. I figured he deserved that much.

My parents invited me to a gala event, some opening of an oceanarium down town. I never really cared for it until I realized that it might be a good place for Minho and I to do “the talk” because it was a neutral territory, besides if things go awry I can always drown myself or Minho. And I happen to adore fishes tremendously. I asked my parents if I could bring friends and they gladly obliged so I texted Minho:

The oceanarium will host a gala event for its opening. Can you go with me?

He agreed, as expected, and I texted him the details.

***

The gala was as ostentatious as I expected it to be. Socialites and important people all decked in their best garbs were everywhere were socializing in the make-shift ballroom. The organizers of the event decided to turn the aquarium tunnel into the ballroom, which is why we were literally surrounded by fish. Somehow it eased my nervousness. Jinki and Kai were invited too and brought dates of their own. Jinki brought Luna, our classmate from our ethics class. She was an unassuming girl – simple and very pleasant. She had this beautiful blonde hair that she styled in a bun which lit her face up. In many ways, she was the girl version of Jinki and I was glad that Jinki found her. On one hand, Kai’s date was a complete shocker. Taeyon was a petite girl, very pretty and exudes sultriness. Upon introduction I jokingly asked her why she agreed to date Kai in the first place, to which she replied with wit and humour. I saw how Kai was silently eager for me to approve of his choice, which I get since I am his father after all. Of course, I happily gave it to him.

The five of us congregated on the dessert table, as if it wasn’t sugary enough to be surrounded by two couples. We were conversing animatedly, but deep inside I was anxiously waiting for Minho’s arrival. Whilst Jinki was explaining something I didn’t really care about my phone buzzed. I received a text message from Minho saying that he’s arrived and was asking where I was. I replied with my location and went back faux-listening to Jinki.

“…and then Tony Stark met this young boy…” he stopped midway and we saw him smile. “Minho! Over here!”

I turned back and saw Minho. He looked divine. His hair was styled that his forehead was showing. He was wearing a double-breasted navy blue suit and pants that seemed to lengthen him even more. The subtle refraction coming from the glassy surrounding only managed to make him look even dreamier.

The others in the group probably noticed my fawning so Kai pushed me towards Minho.

Once the gap was closed I only managed to glance at him before looking elsewhere to hide my embarrassment. “You came…” I blurted out.

“You asked me to come, so I came. And by the way, I brought Kibum along. He’s actually still outside since he’s not on the list and all…” Minho replied.

“Can you wait here? I’ll talk to my parents and see if they can do anything about it.”

Before leaving I saw Minho try to reach out to me, probably to hold my hand, but he didn’t. Oddly, I felt disappointed.

Then, Kai spoke. “We’ll do it. Why don’t you two talk now huh?”

***

I pulled Minho to a secluded place, in a room with a giant wall tank with colourful tropical fishes in it. We sat on the bench in front of it.

We sat completely silent and watched as the various fishes swam by in front of us, taking in their vibrant colours.

Minho moved closer towards me until our shoulders touched. I didn’t flinch because secretly I missed him near me. I wanted to tell him that I’ve forgiven him already that I missed him. I wanted to hug him right there and then but I held back.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I know. You’ve said that already.”

Again, silence. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“And yet you did.”

Minho held my hand and squeezed it tightly. I let him.

“Tae, you have every right to be upset. What I did what stupid, I wasn’t thinking when that happened…” he began to explain. I shifted so that I was facing him, our hands still held together.

“Khun… we have a complicated past. We’ve been dating on and off for years. I’m all he has and for a time he’s all I had too. My family weren’t really there, they move around a lot with Kibum and so I was left alone most the time. Do you know how that feels like, to be alone? I learned earlier on not to rely on people as much, that’s why I’m so easy-going because deep inside I believed nothing stays the same.”

I saw loneliness in Minho’s face. Has he really been alone all this time? “But, you were so uninhibited as well, so idealistic, so wrapped-up in romanticism. That doesn’t seem like a lonely person to me,” I retorted.

He laughed bitterly. “When you’re lonely you see the world in a romantic trance because you want the world to be beautiful, to be perfect.”

I nodded in agreement, although not understanding completely what he meant. “But that doesn’t explain anything. We all get lonely sometimes, don’t we? Granted you were lonely, maybe all your life, but that is no excuse to screw people over.”

“You… you’re right. I screwed up. It was just… I was afraid. I know it sounds ridiculous but when I first met you I just knew.”

“Knew what?”

“That loneliness can be alleviated.”

Can it really? Can loneliness be something that people can transcend from?

“I know that look…”

I raised my eyebrows. “What look?”

“That look you give me when you think I’m bullshitting you.”

I laughed at that. Maybe I do have that look.

“Tae, I know it’s hard to believe, but it did feel that way – like we were soul mates. There are many types of loneliness in the world, mine was this loneliness from being lost. A lostness, if I may coin a term. But when I saw I knew that there’s a chance for me to be found. That’s what it felt like with you, like I belonged, like I had a home. I’ve been told I was born unhinged but with you I just feel so cohesive… so grounded.”

I looked at Minho and glimpsed at what his life is. I wondered, how can someone be so lonely yet hopeful at the same time? When you long with all your heart for someone to find you, an illusion grows there that maybe someone will indeed find you. You hope for the person to step in your life and just hold you and make you feel like you belong. I never supposed it, but with Minho it became his truth, and I wanted to believe it in the same way he does.

“I kissed Khun…” Minho continued. “Partly because I was drunk and partly because I was afraid. I push people away. That’s why most relations I have are shallow. But with him, it’s different, like we have this mutual loneliness. But now I realize how wrong I was to push you away. I can be mutually lonely with him, but it is still loneliness. You’re my one chance at happiness, Lee Taemin.”

I sighed and felt selfish. All this time I thought I had it worse. True, I may not have much people I can call friends but the few relations I have are deep and true. All those times I envied him because he smiles too quickly, because he can ease in any social situation, because he’s easy to love is because he yearns to feel like he belonged.

“I understand.”

He cocked his head slightly.

“Do you really?”

“I’m not privy to the human soul but I do have little knowledge of human loneliness.”

“And…”

“And that I forgive you, Minho. I really do. And don’t ever think that way again because from this moment on you don’t have to feel empty again. I’m here for you, good or bad.”

Minho hugged me and I found myself melting in his arms. He needed it as much as I did. We both lingered in each other’s arm. It’s funny when you feel as if you don’t need anything more in your life other than the proclamation that one person needs you as much as you need him.

After a few moments, Minho broke free from our hug. “Taemin, do you mean that?” he inquired.

I leaned in closer and kissed his cheek, then said, “Of course I do.” Then, I pointed him to a clownfish swimming near a sea anemone. “See that clownfish over there?” I asked.

“You mean Nemo?” he jokingly asked. “Yeah. Why?”

“I’ll be your anemone.”

“Does that make me a clownfish? What am I, a joke?” he teased.

I smiled. “It does. It also means that whatever happens, you have a home with me, that we belong only to each other.”

He pulled me in closer again and laid my head on his shoulders. “That sounds like a very good idea.”

\-----------------------

I haven't updated in two weeks and I feel so bad for leaving you guys hanging for that long. I hope this chapter makes up for it.


	18. Chaos

Chaos (n.)

\- What is real is a vast collection of moments – chaotic and unorganized – that only makes sense in the end.

Minho and I remained seated side by side for the rest of the night, not even bothering to socialize. Our phones rang incessantly but neither of us wanted to answer it, eventually our friends found us and had to pry us apart. They were relieved that we made up, but they weren’t too glad that we temporarily disappeared.

We walked out of the oceanarium, our hands clasped, as the crowd dissipated in silent retreat. I was never the one to initiate physical contact with Minho; I always thought that it was needy and too showy. But there I was, touching and squeezing Minho’s hand as if it were the only thing that mattered. I saw Jinki smile at us, nodding in approval at my renewed relationship. I noticed too that Kai was happier than usual; his walk definitely had that added spring. Kibum too was looking more smug than usual and was chatting non-stop about the night’s fashion climate. It assured me, partially at least, that I was doing the proper thing.

Of course, the most important assurance of all came from Minho. I looked at him and saw him glowing, basking in this new step of our relationship. His smile was the most earnest I’ve seen from him, and I can see how happy he was. I could not ask for anything anymore. For a long time I felt content, and whatever doubts I had suddenly didn’t seem to matter.

***

How we relate to people can sometimes be chaotic. In physics, it is believed that the universe started out as a singularity, that in this singularity no chaos existed, but as the universe expanded, so did chaos. It is like our feelings; somehow they begin as a non-existent singularity then eventually grows. At this moment the universe is still ever growing, and with its vastness, chaos also becomes more and more apparent.

But chaos happens to be the most beautiful thing in the world. It denotes that the changes that is happening, no matter how seemingly random, makes sense in the end. Chaos is not a pit, it isn’t a black hole. Chaos is the mechanism that moves the universe. It is the force that gives life meaning and direction.

Minho, I’ve learned is like chaos personified. Not that he’s indecipherable or disorganized but he is so exponentially complicated and sprawled out that it takes time to truly understand him. That’s the thing I like most about him. He challenges me and my notion of the human mind – a person can complicated yet stable at the same time. Call it, and organized chaos.

For example, his touches are always unintentional and tentative. He doesn’t realize sometimes that he’s reaching out to hold my hand or pulling me in closer for a hug. Sometimes, he plays with my fingers without even recognizing that he’s doing it until I point it out. There are moments that he’d kiss me on cheeks, leaving me looking like a bright, freshly picked tomato. Physical intimacy is like breathing for Minho – he craves it but he doesn’t know he needs it unless you take it away from him.

Minho too, is too poetic. He would shower me with declarations of love in the sweetest way he knows. He is affectionate and generous with his words of adoration, sometimes too generous for my taste. In which, of course, I tell him off. Then he’d apologize to me, spewing even more poetics that I can do nothing but forgive him just to make him stop spouting sugar out of his mouth. Secretly, of course, I like a lot. In fact before going to sleep I’d try to transcribe on my diary what he said. Words may just be words but they are always worth remembering.

But Minho can be very reserved at times. He sometimes takes time off to read quietly in a corner. He calls it “recharging.” He has this uncanny ability to detach himself from the world and focus on himself only, a trait I find immensely endearing. The occasional need for selfishness is something we both share and relish about each other. We’d spend hours doing two entirely different things and actually enjoy them, and at the end of the day come back to each other’s arm as comfortably as ever.

Little by little I find that I am sucked in Minho’s vast universe of chaos, something I never thought was possible. As I learn more about him, the more I fall for him. The nuances of his voice, the way he awkwardly acts when he’s with me, his little unintentional outbursts of competitiveness, and his idiosyncrasies make me want to learn more about him.

***

Minho and I were spending our usual afternoon cuddled in the living room when Kai walked in.

“Have you read this?” He asked me as he handed me a letter. He sat down gingerly on the couch, waiting for me to read it and respond.

I opened the folded paper and saw that it was an e-mail from my uncle Taesun. He was inviting Kai and I to go to Japan to spend our summer vacation there.

“Do you want to go?” I asked Kai.

He looked pensive for a moment before answering nonchalantly. “Sure. How about you?”

Just then, Minho piped in. “Where are you going?”

“To Japan. Tae… my dad asked us if we wanted to go and spend our vacation there,” Kai replied.

Minho looked at me expectantly waiting for an answer.

“But I wanted to spend more time with Minho,” I answered and Minho gave out a small smile.

Kai scowled at us and put out his tongue, “You two are inseparable. It’s too much. Ugh.”

Minho chortled at Kai’s statement and hugged me as retaliation.

Kai stood up, picked the remote, and flopped back to his seat. “I wanted to spend time with Taeyon too,” he said as he changed the channel. “Maybe I can ask dad if I can bring her.”

And an idea plopped in my mind. “That’s brilliant. Minho, would you like to come with us too?”

Minho shrugged his shoulders, “I can’t see why. It’ll be our graduation travel.”

“Well, your graduation travel – I’m going to take my Master’s degree right after graduation,” I cheerily informed me.

“You never stop learning do you?”

“You shouldn’t too. I’d never get out of school if I had a choice.”

“Well, some of us want to experience life outside the academe, Tae.”

Kai turned off the television and stood up hastily. “So that’s it yeah? I’ll give dad a call now. Maybe we should invite Jinki too?”

I nodded enthusiastically, agreeing to Kai’s suggestion. It was then I noticed how pale Kai looked. He walked out of the room and I asked Minho to let me go for a moment before stalking Kai. He was seated near the stairs, face covered by his hands. I wanted to go near him and comfort him, ask him what was wrong but I remained in the darkness opting to observe him instead.

Kai was visibly dazed. He was looking at his hands intensely as if challenging them to do something, anything that would affirm what Kai wanted to affirm. And then, something happened…

Kai disappeared from where he was seated. I blinked my eyes, thinking that maybe I was just hallucinating. When I opened it, Kai was there, looking even paler, shock painted all over his face. He took a deep breath and collected himself before standing up. He hugged himself and sighed, before whispering, “I can do this. I must make it happen.”

Then it hit me. I was so stupid to forget the truth: the more cemented my relationship with Minho is, the higher the chance that Kai would disappear before his time. The revelation was like a black hole – it sucked me in to the reality that Kai’s existence depends on my happiness. A swarm of emotions overcame me. A cacophany of choices started to surround me with so much gravity, each beckoning me to take them but not any of them makes sense. 

Chaos never tasted so bitter in my mouth until that moment.

\-----------

End of Part II. 


	19. Fear

Fear (n.)

\- The longer you stare at fear right at its eyes, the more intimidated it becomes of you up until to the point that you’re not afraid of it any longer.

If my understanding of ethics were correct, ethical theories normally fall into two categories: teleological or deontological. The major difference of those two are these – in teleological ethical theories, one looks at the end result of the action, whereas in deontological ethical theories one examines what propelled the action. It is the question of consequences versus motivation.

Minho accused me once (something I’ve never forgotten) of being simplistic. Perhaps, after all I a man of science; which is not to say that science is simplistic, it’s just very straightforward. Complicated, but straightforward. Life, after all, is very complicated, and the more I live, the more I realize its complications.

Life, too, is straightforward. In a nutshell, we only have one life to live. And as such we try to live with the thought that we have to do it at the superlative level – live to the fullest, love the best, be at your happiest. This very thought is what makes us dangerous creatures. Because of it we tend to be careless when it comes to our decisions. Some live with such abandon and boldness that they fail to perceive that they are living their lives in terms of motivation. There are some that tend to live the opposite way; they live their lives thinking of the consequences. They calculate and try to foresee what their actions can bring.

However, there are those people who tread in between – people like Kai whose actions are both motivational and consequential. Kai came back because he was motivated to make me happy. His end goal is to make me happy.

It’s time I repay him for his loyalty and foolishness. I will find that damn formula, send him back to the future, and save him for good.

***

The next days were sufficiently tense. Kai avoided me like I was plagued, and it made me feel discomfited. He kept on making innocuous excuses, “I’m busy,” “I have a date,” “I’m going out with friends,” “I need to study,” “I’m tired.” It made me feel frustrated that my own son can’t even trust me to help him fix his – our – problem. I’ve been locked in my lab more often, trying to figure out the formula Kai said I would figure out. I was getting anxious and irritable and in turn, I’ve lashed out sporadically on Minho and Jinki. Jinki didn’t ask me any questions, but Minho was a different story. Ever the inquisitive, he kept on bugging me, asking what’s got me riled up.

“Tae, what’s the problem?” he asked me one day as we were eating lunch.

“Nothing.”

“Not nothing. Something. Is it me?”

I scooted closer, to assure him. Or to assure me. It was getting more and more difficult to distinguish those two things. “It’s not you.”

He looked me in the eye and asked me again, “I know you’re lying. You’ve been angry as of late. What’s really happening Tae? Tell me so I can fix it.”

Inwardly I laughed at the irony of it all. If only he knew that the real problem lies with us. But I couldn’t tell him that – I can’t afford losing him again. I needed him. I wanted Minho to be with me all the time. “It’s nothing you can fix, Minho.”

“Why not?”

“Because you can’t, Minho. You cannot fix circumstances. You can’t fix how people feel or think. You can’t change how things are and expect them to fall the way you want them.”

He looked at me questioningly. I knew that he knew there was a problem. I also knew that he wanted to know what it was but he didn’t. Instead, he pursed his lips and scowled at me.

“I’m leaving,” he finally said as he stood up. “Tae, I don’t know why you won’t tell me what’s the problem when clearly, the problem is about us. I hope you realize in that brilliant head of yours that what we have is more than a relationship. It’s a partnership – we should take care of each other.”

Yes, the problem was us. The problem was that I can’t choose between which love I should keep. The problem was that my happiness is causing someone to slowly cease to exist. I wanted to tell Minho everything, I really did, but I couldn’t. Somehow, I believed him when he said he’d fix it. Because he’s Minho and he’s so tender and righteous, faulty at times but always his intentions were good. I was afraid that by telling him the problem, he’d do the honourable thing at the expense of our happiness.

It always goes back to that damnable human concept – happiness.

That thing that is so fleeting and so impermanent that many people strive to live for. I want to be happy. Why happy? Why is it so important to be happy anyway when eventually you will not be?

“Minho…” I said before he left. “What is happiness for you?” I asked him.

He looked at me, smiled sweetly, and said, “Happiness is the antidote of fear.”

***

“Jinki, we need to do something about Kai,” I told him over the phone. Right after Minho left I was compelled to talk to Jinki. He normally has a better perspective on things like this. Something I’ve both admired and covet about him. I told him in great detail what I saw, spilling out my fears and frustrations. He just let me talk until I can’t find any more words to say.

“And you’re telling me this only now because…?” was his first reply.

“I thought I could find a solution for it.”

“And you can’t?”

“Obviously. I don’t what to do anymore, Jinki. I’ve been losing sleep trying to figure out the formula to time travel but nothing checks out. They’re all wrong. I’m wrong all the time and it’s making me more anxious. Damn it! I’m running out of time. Kai is running out of time. I can’t let this happen, Jinki. I’m the reason he came back and I can’t even do anything to help him. My own son!” I ranted.

There was a long contemplative pause before Jinki spoke again. “You won’t like what I have to say.”

“Say it anyway.”

“Are you sure?”

I took in a deep breath and willed myself to try and think more logically, “Yes. Tell me.”

“The way I see it, the closer you and Minho becomes, the more Kai is bound to disappear.”

“I… I know.”

“Taemin, you know what to do, don’t you? You just don’t want to say it out loud.”

“But there’s a loophole. Kai said he’d have to go back to the future in a year.”

“Yeah, but that is because his time in the past, or the present, is over. He’d go back to the future where he still exists.”

I tried to hold in my tears but couldn’t. I started to sob. “I need him. I love Minho but I love Kai too. Why do I have to choose?”

“Because you’re alive, and being alive means making difficult choices.”

I hung up the phone after that, not even bothering to say goodbye to Jinki. He’d understand anyway that I needed time to think alone. I needed time to dwell on my fears.

***

There are many things I fear – dying before my time, losing my sanity, being stuck, dogs, becoming irrelevant, being stupid, and the end of the world. Fear, out of all the emotions in this world, is the first thing we learn. We survive because we fear death.

There is no such thing as a person who’s not afraid of dying. Somehow, deep inside, all of us want to live long enough to find ourselves in a place of happiness. The greatest letdown any living person could experience is dying without even having lived their lives.

I saw that fear realized when I watched Kai disappear for a moment.

Perhaps the real reason dying is fearsome – the one reason I failed to recognize until now – is because we’re afraid of leaving the ones we love.

My options were running low, and the less they are the greater the taste of fear in my mouth.

I would use that fear to help me find the formula.


	20. Assurance

Assurance (n.)

\- We wait for assurances that what we’re doing is the right thing, completely ignoring the fact that the only assurance we need is something we can only find within.

“Tae, you look tired. Have you been sleeping well?” My mother asked at dinner. The end of the semester was nearing and everyone was frantic, me included, but not for the same reason others were. I was frantic, true. Also tired, panicked, hurt, afraid, and frustrated.

“I’m fine, mother. Just trying to figure out this formula…” I lied, hoping that she’d drop the topic altogether. Luckily, she did, however she found another topic to exasperate.

"Are you planning to leave for Japan right after your final exams?” she inquired. “Speaking of which, where is Kai? He’s been very absent lately…”

“Kai’s just very busy with lots of things. As of your first question, I don’t think we should go to Japan,” I replied curtly.

My mother tutted at my response. “Why not? I’m sure Kai is looking forward to visit your uncle.”

I sighed and put my fork down loudly which caught my mother’s attention. “I just don’t think it’s very wise to travel now.”

“I’m sure you have an explanation for that.”

“Nothing really,” I replied and went back to eating. Suddenly, my beef steak has become interesting to look at.

Mother continued to eat as if nothing was amiss. She tutted again and said, “That’s not very like you. Seems like many things are changing.”

“If only they do not…” I whispered as I continued eating in absolute isolation.

***

Last day of school, all was excited and chirped. You’d think that students would hate the last days of school because they had to take final examinations, but no. It seems like they are only focused on planning their summer activities and not minding the fact that they had to pass an exam first before doing so. Minho was no exception. He happily sat down beside me during our last lecture in our ethics class, kissed my cheeks, and started to talk excitedly about our impending Japan trip.

“So, when are we going to book our flight?” he asked.

“We don’t need to worry about that.”

“Why not?”

“My uncle has a private plane we can use. He would want us to use it.”

“Cool. Tae?”

“Hmm?”

“Are we okay?”

I admit to not paying attention to out earlier conversation but his unprecedented question got my undivided attention. “Why do you ask?” I asked back, my voice shaky.

Minho looked down on the floor, and in Minho’s definition, floor looking is certainly a cause for alarm. I still tend to forget that despite his air of confidence, Minho harbours deep-seated insecurities. “Well,” he started speaking unsurely, “you’ve been distant as of late. I don’t know… was is something I did?”

I leaned my head on his shoulder to assure him – or to assure myself – that everything is going to be okay. That nothing is wrong, that we can be together without complications. I wanted to believe that our happiness can come without a cost.

It’s unsettling knowing that you are bound to be hurt no matter what happens. And then I thought that maybe I had to be like a casual observer and learn to detach myself from my circumstances, if only to lessen the burden of having to feel the life I’m living.

“We’re fine, Minho,” I told him. A thought came into my mind and I decided to act on it. “Why don’t you come over? Tonight? Let’s have a movie night,” I proposed.

Minho looked at me peculiarly, “That’s so… random.”

I lifted my head from his shoulder and shrugged, “I just miss spending time with you. Things have been difficult lately,” he looked at me alarmingly, “You don’t need to worry about it, Minho. I know what you’re thinking and it’s not about you or us. Just things. School and graduation…”

Minho closed his eyes and sighed, “Oh my gosh. This is our last year isn’t it? I always forget that I’m about to graduate.”

“We are graduating, Minho. Things are going to be more complicated from now on,” I added.

Minho pulled me in closer and put his arms around me, “Are you worried about what’s going to happen?”

I smiled weakly, even though I knew he didn’t see it, “I always worry about what’s going to happen. Iy’s my nature to obsess over the immediate future.”

He chuckled at my statement and hugged me tighter. We remained like that until the rest of our class started to walk in.

***

I was already at home, waiting for Minho to come. I uninvited Jinki on purpose (by default, Jinki is always invited) and Kai was still avoiding me, probably in his room doing god-knows-what. At the sound of the doorbell I perked up and ran towards the door. When I opened it Minho’s back was on the door. Not really thinking what to do, I pulled him into a light embrace. He wasn't at all used to the act of affection, but chilled when he realized it was me.

"What on earth are you doing?" Minho whispered. I heard Minho sigh, feeling strange with his back aligned with my body.

"I have no idea," I replied and pulled him in. I grabbed his wrist and guided him towards my room. “Let’s go, I have everything prepared already.”

Once in my room, I asked Minho to make himself comfortable on my bed. I turned on the television and the movie, Casblanca, started to play. Minho beckoned me to come closer to him and I skipped and flopped on the bed beside him. He came closer to me and embraced me.

We cuddled for a good few minutes of the movie until his hands started to wander. They started from my shoulders, down to my hips, and down to my thighs. I wanted to ask what he was doing, but before I could protest, I was brought closer. Cool lips kissed up and down my neck, before a tongue dipped into a dimple in his throat.

I tilted my head back and bit my lip. One of Minho's hands had slipped down my stomach, and rested at the zipper to my jeans. I remained awkwardly aware of that touch, but was soon distracted when Minho buried his other hand into my hair.

"This is...abrupt..." I managed to choke out. I could practically feel Minho smirk into my neck.

"You just looked so good..." he replied and then his mouth was back on my throat, and now two hands were running up and down my stomach. The steady smoothing of the palm of his hands were calming, and I found myself oddly focused on the very tips of Minho's fingers.

The embrace was no longer strange, but comforting and confident. It felt as if together we made a whole.

Minho made a teasing sound in the back of his throat, and suddenly kissed me. I had gotten used to the abrupt way Minho initiated contact, and let the kiss happen. Or rather, the kiss was very good to tolerate, not that I have other kisses to compare it with. There was something about the softness of Minho's lips that made it a very nice experience.

"You're a good kisser, you know?" Minho mumbled. I raised an eyebrows at his comment.

"Am I?" I smirked. "I'm not surprised. I’m very brilliant after all."

Minho laughed at that and ran a hand across the back pockets of my jeans. I wrapped my arms around his neck. Minho eventually leaned against the headboard and took his shirt off. I found that I didn’t mind it very much because the next thing I knew, Minho reached out and nudged me out of my shirt too.

I didn't know what made me so bold as to move his hand down until I was touching a very intimate part of Minho, but the action proved to be a rather good thing, based on his very loud moan.

I was very aware that I was effecting Minho in such a powerful way, though I had no idea what had made me so forward as of late. I didn't particularly want it to change.

Minho had backed me up so he was sitting, and if it weren't for my hand in his crotch, there would be nothing obstructing our hips. I made use of his position, and started to slowly massage the warm member.

Minho breathed in forcefully and kissed me again with fierce desire. I tired to focus on my own ministrations and the way his body undulated to the slow rhythm. He managed to switch our positions and he moved so that I was now against the headboard. I debated what to do next, aware of my own overpowering lust, and watched Minho move in serene pleasure.

I gave in to the temptation and caressed his throat, aware of the shiver my kisses caused. Minho moved and stopped me then he dropped lower and started to trail kisses on my stomach. He stopped for a moment and looked at me, asking for permission. It was an act so intimate and Minho made sure I was completely okay with it.

And it was. In one swift moment, I saw Minho take me into his mouth. I lost all sense of logic then and let the lust – or was it love? – take over me. We both figured it didn't matter much, and let the moment as is. Pleasure claimed us as we maneuvered onto the bed, forgetting the movie altogether.

Later on, at what must have been midnight, I got up from the tangle of blankets and limbs and stared at the sleeping figure on my bed. He smiled at his sleep, and the bleakness of our circumstance no longer mocked him, because I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

This was all the assurance I needed. 

\---------

Watch the movie Casablanca if you haven't already. So heartbreaking. 


	21. Duality

Duality (n.)

\- Opposites are rarely reconciled, but when they do, they give birth to the most beautiful things.

There are two sides to a coin. Always. Actually, all things contain in them a multitude of sides to the point that they are indistinguishable from each other unless you scrutinize them. There are times, however, when two sides are essentially the same but only different in expression. In physics, we call it duality – two theories that are fundamentally the same but different only in mathematical description. Imagine a tree; it can be photographed in diverse ways yet it is still what it is – a tree.

Life too is a duality mediated by the human soul. All of us live lives but vary in the way we live it. Our choices, and even our non-choices, shape and direct our lives and the lives of others. It is rather complicated how closely interconnected we all are, how our choices can affect others in ways still unknown. It is a responsibility we all must carry, that is why we have to be careful with our decisions.

That is why it is important to make difficult choices, to make sacrifices.

There are no excuses, no guarantees, no leeway when it comes to choices – we all must make it. That is the downfall of freedom, the other side of the coin, the unspoken paradox which is nothing really but a duplicate of the other. Freedom is a trap, the notion of it a sham.

We are not free not to make a choice.

***

The school year has ended with a bang. As usual, I aced all of my exams and graduated with flying colours. I graduated valedictorian of our class (let that sink in) and Jinki graduated with honours. It was, arguably, one of the proudest moments of my life. At long last I’ve achieved what I always wanted and did it my way. My parents were beaming with joy and adulation, and even Kai whom I have not spoken to sincerely in a long time was obviously swelling with pride. It was a validation of my hard work and dedication to science, but more importantly a confirmation of my lifelong obsession to be the best. Minho, expectedly, was the proudest of all. Since the day it was announced that I’d be graduating top of the class he had this smug plastered on his face and paraded me whenever he can. It’s actually funny how he thinks I was such a catch which made me love him even more. I was reminded of the importance of loving someone who is unfaltering in his affection.

But despite it all, I knew deep down the true guise of this festivity – a distraction. On one hand it was a proud moment worthy of celebration on the other I knew that this moment is but a small dot in the bigger picture. It was guise that can lure anyone in a false sense of security.

Things were changing, and the change was fast. And the worst part? I wasn’t ready for it.

“…congratulations, Graduates of The Class of 2013!” the school president finally said which caused an uproar amongst the students and the audience. Caps flew in the air and there was a collective cheer of glee and finality that erupted not short after. I saw Jinki and Minho run towards me. Jinki arrived first, bumping into a few students along the way, and hugged me tightly. I hugged him back.

“Can you believe it! We’re graduated! I can’t wait to take medicine proper,” he shouted hopefully. I grinned at him, my excitement equaling his.

When I was about to say something, Minho quickly embraced me and lifted me slightly. I chuckled when I felt being hoisted in the air.

“Minho put me down!” I shouted but in the truth was I never wanted him to let me go. Eventually, he put me down and ruffled my hair earnestly which I returned with a light slap to his arm. Ever since we’ve gotten intimate, things have been easier between us. The barrier of shyness that once stood in-between us has been permanently shattered, it’s like we yearn to touch each other every chance we get. There is something truly comforting when touched by your love.

“So, are we all set with our trip? I have everything packed already!” Jinki exclaimed. I scooted closer to Minho and snaked my arm around his waist. He rested his head on top of mine as we continued to listen to Jinki excitedly detail his plans for when we get to Japan. “…how about you two?” he asked us after finishing his monologue.

“We’re all set. Right Minho?” I replied cheerily.

Minho hummed. “Is Kibum ready?” I asked.

“Yes and no,” Minho replied. I looked at him, confused. “Well, he’s packed three bags already and he’s insisting there’s more that needs to be packed. You’d expect that after all the traveling he’s done with my parents he’d learn to pack lightly,” Minho finished with a hint of amusement in his voice.

Just then, my parents, along with Kai appeared. I let go of Minho and hugged my father first, then my mother. They both congratulated us three and told us how proud and happy they were. Minho and Jinki excused themselves not long after that to spend time with their own families, but not before hugging me again.

Kai stood on the background, grinning like a fool. I came to him and hugged him tightly.

“I’m happy for you, dad,” he whispered, which caused me to hug him even tighter.

“I know you are,” I told him.

When we broke off from our tight embrace, my mother asked us, “Are you boys ready for the trip?”Kai and I nodded at the same time.

My mother’s eyes were twinkling with excitement, “I’m so glad you’ve graduated son. Your father and I are truly proud of you,” I saw my father nod in agreement. He may not say it but I saw fierce pride in my father’s eyes.

“Thank you, father, mother. For everything. For believing in me, and supporting me,” I replied.

“No, son. We thank you for doing your best and bringing pride to this family. No parent could ask for more,” my mother replied. I suppose that’s what parents only want in their children; that they grow up doing the best they can, because that’s what I wanted for Kai as well.

“Enough with the sentimentality, let’s get out of here and eat dinner,” my father told us with a joking tone and we made way to the parking lot. My parents rode in my father’s car while Kai and I rode in another.

Once inside the car, Kai congratulated me again. “Stop congratulating me, it’s not like I won a Nobel Prize,” I teased him. I honestly missed moments where I can just joke around with Kai. Although I know for a fact that he’s my son (or going to be) we have this unmistakable easy bond. Kai, you could say is my antithesis – he’s easygoing, very free with his words and actions, and very relaxed. I looked at him and smiled gently. He did too.

“Well you’re not winning a Nobel Prize unless you actually remember to do your work instead of Minho,” he teased back. I almost choked at what he said.

“We are not talking about this,” I said with finality.

“Relax, I was just teasing. But seriously, I’m so happy for you, Dad. You have everything now – a loving family, wonderful friends, a bright future, and adoring boyfriend… plus you’re really intelligent, attractive, and rich. Best dad ever!” he shouted at the end.

“I am only at my best now because you made me this way.”

“Awww,” he joked, trying to diffuse the atmosphere before it gets serious.

“Really Kai. The future me is going to be awful,” his eyebrow raised, “I know that’s a fact, don’t deny it.” I continued, “And yet, you still went back here to try and change things. I’m grateful you pushed me into doing all of this… into pursuing Minho. You’ve made me really happy. You should be the one I’m congratulating,” I finished.

He looked at the window and said, “I’m afraid going back here was really a selfish thing to do. I did it for me,” he looked back at me and I gave him a confounded look. “Don’t misunderstand, I did it to make you happy too, but mostly I did it because I couldn’t bear my life there anymore. I was just so unhappy. You were miserable and angry and you took it out on me,” upon hearing those words I wanted to apologize to him, hug him, and promise him that things are going to be different.

“I know what you’re thinking, and it isn’t your fault. Not entirely, at least. I understood where you came from, I was lonely too and loneliness can make people do terrible things even to those the ones they loved.”

“I’m sorry, Kai,” I muttered.

“What for?”

“For being me, I guess. All the things you said about me, I can totally see them happening if it were not for your intervention. I promise you now that I am never going to be that kind of person.”

He forced himself to smile. “You can’t promise something like that,” he told me.

“And yet I have,” I retorted. Whatever happens, the future would have changed. The version of me that counts, the one that can make it happen was the version of me that was changed because of Kai. When you encounter something fundamentally unfathomable that is both scary and beautiful, a rare kind of awe arrests your being. Then you are forever changed.

I beckoned Kai to come closer to me and gave him the most sincere hug ever. “Just give me time. I know what’s at stake now. I can find the formula so you can go back before disappearing. But for now, let us enjoy what we have,” I told him.

He laughed, “Who are you and what have you done to Lee Taemin?”

I laughed too. Trust Kai to joke at a very solemn moment. “I’m still Lee Taemin, only better.”

\------------

I creys. This is my fave chapter so far. Also, lots of hugging because graduations tend to bring out the hugger in everyone. 


	22. Fall

Fall (v.)

\- Sooner or later, we all fall. The real question is, how do we stand up again?

It was a sunny summer day, a week after our graduation. Weather reports were positive – a little chance of any atmospheric disturbance. All our bags were thoroughly packed and most were jittery. Except me.

The human dream of flying was realized when the four aerodynamic forces of flight and their relationships to each other were discovered. Weight, lift, drag, and thrust are those four forces that make it possible for aircrafts to fly.

Flying is such a precarious ambition, not only that it requires the aircraft a perfect mathematical equilibrium, it also demands the pilot to have a steady and reliable knowledge on the four forces aforementioned. I cannot begin to explain the anxiety I get when I’m flying. You are literally trapped inside a metal cage sustained only by sheer mathematical calibrations – one wrong factor can cause your death. Flight defies gravity, arguably the most apparent and strongest physical force in the universe. Although the appeal of defying it is certainly exhilarating and existence-affirming, there is also a foreboding sense of falling attached to it.

Hence, it is paramount that necessary preparations (and anxiety medication) must be done before flight. Lucky for me, Minho was there to soothe my nerves.

When we arrived at the airport, my uncle was already there waiting for us. He hugged Kai and I dearly before jovially leading us to the plane.

“Here, hold my hand,” Minho told me as we were seated in the plane my uncle had loaned us. It has always been the plane I had used whenever I visited my uncle in Japan. It was ivory-coloured and smaller than your usual Boeing plane. It has only 10 seats inside, with a huge lavatory and bath and a wonderful kitchen. The staff that came with it were also the people I knew since I was younger. (I insisted on having them always whenever I ride that plane, after all familiarity breeds safety.)

I sat by the aisle and Minho was seated by the window, behind us were Jinki and Luna. On the other side were Kai and Kibum, and behind them were my uncle and one of my uncle’s assistant whose name I don’t recall.

I took Minho’s hands and squeezed them tighter as I feel the plane being lifted from the ground. It was a shaky take-off, but somehow I found myself feeling safe only because I knew Minho was there to comfort me. As soon as the plane has steadied, the stewardess came in and offered us some refreshments and snacks.

***

There was relative quiet during the trip. The medication has started to kick in and I was feeling sleepy so I rested my head on Minho’s shoulders. He leaned in and kissed my forehead before playing with my hair, soothing me in the process. It didn’t take long for me to doze off.

When I woke up, I checked my watch. I have slept for 45 minutes. I looked at Minho who was dozing off beside me, head back and mouth slightly hanging. I took out my phone and mischievously smiled as I took a photo of him. I snickered at my immaturity before looking around to check on the rest. Jinki and Luna were cuddled behind me. I smiled at their quiet comfort; those two seem made for each other. Jinki was this sensitive guy, caring and adoring, and utterly selfless. He deserves someone like Luna who is equally caring and selfless as he is.

Kibum was asleep too, hi eyes were covered with a colorful eye mask. Uncle and his assistant were asleep as well. Kai, however, was swaying his head gently, his eyes were closed – he had his earphones on and was probably listening to one of those dance-y songs again he so liked. I watched him for a few minutes before he noticed my staring. He took-off his earphones and smiled at me.

“Done sleeping?” he inquired. I nodded.

“You? Aren’t you sleepy?” I asked back.

“Nah. Too excited to be sleeping.”

“Well, you better try to get some sleep now. Knowing uncle, we’ll be off doing god-knows-what the moment we land. He’s such a big ball of energy.”

“He is like a very likeable person.”

I nodded again. “He is. He’s very much like you.”

Kai formed an ‘o’ shape with his mouth. “I’m glad we get to spend some time with him. We owe him a lot.”

We did. Uncle Taesun was the reason it was possible for Kai to stay unsuspectingly in the first place. This whole front we have us cousins would never work without his willingness to claim Kai as his own son. And this vacation was all his.

As I was conversing with Kai I noticed something peculiar through the window. “Wow, that’s a huge cloud,” I said. Kai looked behind him and saw it too.

“I thought the weather forecast today was sunny?” he questioned.

“It was. I should ask the captain about this,” I said worriedly. Kai signaled me to stay put.

“I’ll do it,” he said as he stood up and went to the control room.

There was an eerie quiet, I heard nothing but the steady drone of the engine as we the black cloud from the distant seemed to gallop towards the plane. Kai returned to his seat.

“The captain said we don’t need to worry. We’re safe and we’re almost there,” he assured. But somehow, those words were not enough to calm my growing sense of dread.

The next thing I knew, a blinding lightning bolt came out of nowhere. It struck the left of our plane which caused the others to awaken from their sleep. I immediately went on panic when I saw the stewardess run towards where we were.

We were all awake and scared. Luna was clinging to Jinki. Kibum, although not very close with Kai was also holding his shoulders. The stewardess made us wear our life vests and asked us to remain seated. Uncle Taesun tried to get up to probably confront the pilot but was held down by his assistant.

There was another lightning bolt that lit the sky and boomed loudly. Minho was holding me close near him. The plane shook violently and the left engine went dead. Intense rain and hail battered the plane. Within seconds, the plane nosed downward and I heard the pilots call into the radio: "Mayday! Mayday!"

It was then that I started to gasp for breath. Our plane was crashing!

The next ten minutes were sheer terror. The plane jerked violently as the violent winds fiercely lashed sheets of rain against the windows. It seemed like the plane would not be able to withstand such extreme turbulence. I thought the metal skin of the plane would come apart at the seams. I heard Luna crying and Jinki was trying his best to appease her, to no avail. I heard fear and reluctance in Jinki’s voice, something I rarely hear. 

The oxygen masks popped out of the ceiling, but they dangled out of our reach because we were in a steep, spiraling nosedive. Minho was trying to calm me with his words. “We’re going to be fine… we’re going to be fine.”

Kibum’s eyes were wide in fear and desperation and I saw him holding on to Kai out of sheer panic. Kai, too had a worried look on his face. He was searching out to me and I looked into his eyes and saw something flicker there.

Something I didn’t understand.

To my utter disbelief throughout this chaotic, nightmarish descent, the engines could not be restarted. Worse yet, the batteries, which run off the engines, went dead. So now the cabin lights abruptly shut off and the avionics shut down, cutting off the dial readouts that help identify the location of the plane and airport. We were now "dead sticking" toward a landing site we could not find at a very great rate of speed.

At 3,000 feet, there was nothing but dark waters as far as my eyes could see.

Then the pilot told us to put our heads between our legs and brace ourselves for a crash. We hit the water with such a great force. The cockpit dove deep into the ocean. The plane tore apart from the impact and was separated into two sections. The section that contained Minho and I and Kai and Kibum somersaulted into another way. The other section, I didn't know what happened as my eyes were already closed.

I clung closer to Minho and started to cry. Hoping, and praying to whatever god out there to keep us all safe.

\------------


	23. Pre-

Pre- (pref.)

\- Before the Big Bang, the universe was nothing. Nothing is the beginning of everything. 

My eyes were closed still. I didn’t want to wake up. My head was pounding and there was a monotone beeping sound that seemed to surround me. My body was feeling heavy and sore, I felt tired. I just knew I was thoroughly bruised all over. Then I heard something shuffle beside me. I opened my eyes.

I saw Victoria who was sleeping on the chair beside me.

I was in the hospital.

I tried to move to wake her up but my arms didn’t respond to me. Instead, I gave out a throaty call which, luckily, woke her up. Victoria immediately stood up and came rushing to check on me. “Taemin, are you feeling okay? Want me to call the nurse?” She didn’t wait for my answer and went to buzz the nurse instead.

She cupped my cheek and kissed my forehead. “I’m so glad you’re awake,” she said, relief apparent in her strained voice. She helped me sit up, which was painful by the way.

“How’s everyone?” I managed to ask. Victoria had that guilty look on her face and decided to fetch me a glass of water instead of answering my question.

“Now’s not the time to worry about that, Taemin. Let’s just wait for you to be checked, okay? Your mom and dad just went home to rest. Do you want me to call them?”

I nodded and she left the room. When she left the room a nurse came in to check on my vital signs. Not long after that, a doctor came in to make sure I’m okay as well. As soon as they were done, Victoria came back inside the room, carrying a tray of food.

“You should eat, Tae.”

“The others. How are they?” I insisted.

Victoria bit her lip and started to feed me the soup, “It will better if you finish your meal first.”I nodded weakly, too tired to even argue to have things my way.

After finishing my meal, Victoria went to pull the curtains apart. It was a rainy day, the sky was grey and dull and the drizzle kept on falling. I couldn’t tell if it was morning or night. “Noona, what time is it?” I inquired.

“It’s 5am.”

“What day?”

“July 3rd.”

July 3rd. We left Korea on July 1st. It means that I’ve been in bed for two days. After our terse conversation, Victoria and I settled in a very tense silence. She obviously knew what happened to the rest, and I gathered that it was not all good news with the way she’s holding back herself. Under normal circumstances, I would have pushed her to tell me, but I was not under a normal circumstance.

I just survived a plane crash. As soon as I had that thought I started to cry. Victoria rushed in beside me and gently soothed my back. I just survived a plane crash. A horrifying, scary, unexpected plane crash. I tried not to remember what happened but I just could not. The more I try to forget the more I can recall the loud rumbling of the lightning, the feeling of being sucked into the earth at a very high speed. I remember clearly holding on for my dear life and wishing for my safety. I stifled a cry, not wanting to tire myself out with it.

And I remembered the way Kai looked at me. It was so… peaceful… so relaxed. I tried to hold on to that look knowing that it would give me strength.

Not moments after, my parents came in to my room. My mother smiled at me sweetly and hugged me carefully. My father did too before both of them pulled chairs and sat beside my bed. My mother held my held and whispered sweet nothings to calm me down. I saw her and father exchange guilty looks, as if wanting to confess something.

Unable to resist my curiosity, I gave in and asked them, “What’s happened? Tell me…”

My mother squeezed my hand comfortably. “Tae… your uncle Taesun…” she swallowed and my father went to her to touch her shoulders, “he’s… he’s dead.”

My eyes widened from the shocking news. My beloved uncle, the one who is like a brother and a friend to me, is dead. I started to cry then, not even bothering what I looked like. I went to hug my mother to comfort her, or comfort myself. It didn’t make a difference. Not really. Not anymore.

“I’m so sorry, mom,” I mumbled. My mother let go of me and looked at me with something akin to pity. It only meant one thing – more bad news.

I prepared myself for the worst.

“The others are okay,” she said meekly and I gave out a breath of relief. “Jinki and his girlfriend are virtually unscathed. They suffered minor bruises and they’re home now. They will probably visit you later. Minho’s brother – what’s his name again?” she asked.

“Kibum,” I answered.

“He’s resting on the other room. He broke a few ribs but he’s out of the woods now. You uncle’s assistant broke more than ribs, but he’s going to be okay,” she continued. “Minho is fine too,” I smiled at that. “He’s home now but he’s been here since the crash. He’s taken to watching over you and Kibum alternatively.”

“That’s good news, I guess…” I said. “But… where’s Kai?”

My mother took a deep breath. She shook her head and looked at my father.

“Mom? What happened to Kai?”

It was my father who answered me. “He… he hasn’t been found yet.”

\---------------

This was supposed to be longer, but I decided to cut the whole chapter into two chapters - that's all I am going to say for now. I don't want to spoil things to you. As for the reason of the plane crash, it shall be answered too. At least all but one survived, RIGHT? 

PS. I appreciate all your comments and reactions from the last chapter. :)


	24. Decisive

Decisive (adj.)

\- The universe does not apologize. It keeps on moving; it flashes rapidly and so irretrievably. It is deceptive and pointless yet it is everything that matters at the same time. It does what it does without reason or meaning, and we squander at its ability to happen, to be. The only way to combat its decisiveness is to seize your own fate.

Summer is supposed to be about having fun and being young. Summer is the ultimate validation of one’s youth. The sunny skies, all the travelling, the fun times with friends all make summer something one looks forward to. Summer brings out the best in many people because of its promise of exploration and possibilities.

Only my summer wasn’t.

My parents and Victoria left me alone when I started to cry hysterically upon hearing the unfortunate news of Kai’s disappearance. After a few minutes of sobbing alone, I heard the door creak. When it opened, a solemn-looking Jinki came into view. If before I was already crying unapologetically, I cried even more when I saw Jinki. He came near me and sat quietly, waiting for me to calm down before saying anything.

Jinki, I knew, was trying to be brave for me. But I also knew Jinki well enough when he’s scared. And Jinki looked damned scared at the moment. His aura was mired with panic, fear, and grief. It was then that I realized how selfish I was for thinking that this plane crash is my loneliness alone. Sometimes, under very unwanted situations, many people can share the same loneliness.

“You’ve heard then?” he asked me solemnly.

“Yes.”

“I’m glad you’re awake now.”

“Thank you. And I’m glad you’re all okay…”

He poured himself a glass of water and gave it to me, “Drink. It helps with the pain.”

“It does?” I asked skeptically.

“I don’t know. But I’d rather you drink than dehydrate yourself from crying too much. I’m not used to see you crying.”

I gulped the water down. Jinki was right; the water makes me feel a little better. Or maybe because it was what I wanted to believe in. “I’ve been crying a lot this year alone,” I said after I finished drinking.

Jinki let out a small laugh. “Indeed,” he looked like he was recalling something, “If I remember, I only saw you cry 4 times in your lifetime. One was when you bruised yourself while learning to ride a bike. The second one was when you got a grade of A- in Science, the third was when you lost your grandfather, and the fourth was when…”

“When Minho cheated on me,” I finished for him. “This would be the fifth time. Although I don’t really know which I am crying about.”

Because I didn’t really. I was mourning for my uncle, definitely, but was I also mourning for my son?

“Do you want Minho now? He’s with Kibum. That kid is quite a character isn’t he?” Jinki asked me, obviously skirting away from the topic he started.

“Just you… I need to confide something.”

Jinki nodded thoughtfully and moved his chair closer to my bed. “Sure. What sins have you committed my wayward child?” he joked.

“I think Kai is gone for good.” There. I said it, the thought that’s been pestering me ever since I heard the bad news. It was not because I was being pessimistic or hopeless. No, I was being honest. Honesty is rarely pretty anyway, that’s why people lie. But I am not a liar, at least not to myself. The sooner I face the facts, the easier it would be for me to take the next logical step.

But that is not to say I don’t feel pain or sadness. I did. I still do. It hurts me knowing that a joy could snatched away from you easily. If only I could strip the loneliness away, throw out the feelings of emptiness, and rid myself the pain of losing.

“Are… are you sure?” Jinki asked unsurely. Maybe he was in denial too. “We haven’t found any body yet. Besides, there’s a huge chance that he was carried to shore…”

“He wasn’t.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I saw it in his eyes, before the crash. I saw it… Jinki, I saw it…” I closed my eyes and single tear fell from my eyes. My heart started to swell at the very thought of it.

“He was ready. Or prepared. Either way he knew it was ending. It was foolish of me, Jinki, to even think I had a chance to change things. The way his eyes were, it was so calm. He looked so decided and so put together despite the uncertainty of it all. He was expecting the storm, or at least expecting something as bad to happen. He didn’t even flinch. I saw no fear in his eyes, only… only that he was relieved and glad.” I rambled.

“That storm was the catalyst. There was no indication of it, but it was there. And why our plane out of all the planes flying in the area? And why him? Why is he the only one whose body is not yet found? Kibum was beside him and yet he’s there. Uncle Taesun’s body… And before all of this, his disappearances, his phasing… it all makes sense. The point is, Jinki, there is little probability of this event that can be counted as an accident. It was all part of something else, it was meant to be.” I continued.

Jinki sat there in silence. I knew he was trying to make sense of what I said. I knew that he had doubts, but when he looked at me, his eyes told me that whatever I said was the thing he was also thinking.

“Are you… okay with that?” he carefully asked me.

I looked at him with an empty expression. Was I okay?

I wasn’t. I lost my son. I stole his chance to exist in this world? And for what? A few moments of bliss. I traded his life for love and now his blood is in my hands.

Of all the things that ever happened to me, this was the saddest; unequivocally the most wrenching thing that I had to face. And the worst part is knowing that I had a hand in it.

I’ve never been as detached from myself as I was then. I was never as lonely as the summer of 2013. It will fade, I told myself. All the pain, the self-effacing guilt, the emptiness will lessen in time. Autumn would wither, winter would thaw, spring would blossom, but summer would always burn. I closed my eyes and thought to myself, if I had one more thing to do for my son, a sacrifice so huge and encompassing as his, I must do it. If only to honour his bravery, his love, and his cheek.

“Jinki, could you call my parents in? I asked of Jinki. Jinki stood up and left the room as I waited for my parents to enter.

\-----------------------

Only two more chapters left, then an epilogue. :'(

Also, yes, that storm was there to take Kai away.


	25. Immovable

Immovable (adj.)

\- Nothing’s happened today. Nothing at all. And if something did, I refuse to accept it. I cannot accept things I do not understand.

Newton’s Third Law of Motion is essentially the law of pairs. For every force exerted there is another force that equals and opposes it. Neither force can exist without each other; it does not matter which force is the action or reaction. They are one interaction and must be seen as such.

They say there are two opposing forces that shape life – action and immobility. Action is when you do something about your life; it is about making choices and acting on them. On one hand, immobility is akin to something like letting life make the choices for you and doing nothing but react to it. The truth is those two seemingly contrasting forces are one in the same. We live our lives making all these difficult choices and acting on them. We struggle and claw our way into achieving what we want. We take action, good or bad, to seize our desired goal. But there are times when things happen when you don’t expect them to be. In essence, life happens, and we learn to thread it because it is what must be done.

When life happens, our only choice is to let it happen. We buckle up and wish that whatever choices we’ve made beforehand would be enough to absolve us in case the ride crashes.

And my ride has finally crashed… literally.

***

My father entered first, followed closely by my still shaken mother. I see them supporting each other, trying to take refuge to each other’s warmth as the cold brazens.

“What do you want sweetie?” my mother asked me. I was taken aback by her use of a pet word, something she hasn’t done to me since I turned 10. I would have scowled at her for using that by I acquiesced.

Seeing as this day would be a long day of talks and decision making, I went straight for the kill. “Mother, what would happen to your family’s business?”

She looked hesitant to answer first, but eventually found a way to say whatever it is that needs to be said. “Well, now that my brother is… gone… I guess Kai would be the one inheriting the family business.”

Kai? Of course that makes sense. Since my uncle has declared him his son, it would only be logical to assume that he would be the heir to the family business.

“Kai is not coming back.” I whispered.

My mother scooted closer to me, “What did you say?”

“I said Kai is not coming back. He’s… he’s gone.”

“Oh sweetie,” she reached out to touch my hand, “do not lose hope yet, the rescuers and the police say that there’s a great chance he’d be found alive,” she said confidently.

I, however, knew better. “I’m not being pessimistic. He’s gone for good, and his body would never be found…. There is something you two should know.”

And so I told them the truth. The truth that Kai was my son and not Taesun’s, that he came from the future to help me meet Minho, that Uncle Taesun helped us with the cover-up… that eventually, he would have to disappear. It hurt me when I started to recall the story. The pain inside me which I tried so hard to contain was spilling out of me as the words take a very heavy form. My parents were stunned, but not unbelieving. They both agreed, given the facts that I told them, that the story made sense and it was not improbable. There was also a tiny glimmer of hurt evident in their eyes. They both cried upon hearing the truth. My father looked upset, and I knew he wanted to scold me for lying to them but he held back.

“What do we tell everyone?” my father, ever the forward thinker, asked me when I finished my story.

“Tell about what?” I questioned.

“Well, since the body would not… turn out,” he carefully worded, “what are we to tell when we ask the rescuers to stop looking for him?”

“We could just tell them that we’ll hire a private team to search for Kai,” my mother suggested.

My father looked thoughtful, “That makes sense. Then again, what would happen to the succession of your family’s company? Taesun was your only brother, and you’ve absconded any claims to the company since you married me.”

“Should I contact our lawyer?”

“You should. And call Taesun’s lawyer as well, ask him about his last will and testament.”

***

As it turned out, my uncle has named me heir to the family enterprise. Before Kai appeared, his last will was that I would inherit the company, and when Kai was introduced to the picture I was relegated second-in-line.

This makes the heir of two companies – my father’s family business and my mother’s.

There is, however, one condition that I needed to require before I can inherit. I had to marry and ensure an heir. I wanted to refute that clause, by my father said that it is highly unlikely of it happening. I still had grand illusions of me Minho and I riding towards the sunset, living happily ever after. But alas, it just might never happen.

Mother promised that she’ll do her best to change the clause. She’d have to step-in the role of acting CEO of our family business until I get married. I held on to that promise.

I laughed at the irony of it all. There really is no escaping life. It would happen, one way or another. The curtain has opened and I must spill the lines I never practiced. The universe was watching, my fate was unfolding and it left me immobile.

***

Why can’t lives be easier? What is it with the universe and its sinister, unending cruelty? Why does it usher us to situations which we are not suited to? Why are we given emotions we cannot control? Why is everything so faulty? Why are we thrown into happiness and then swiveled into desolation?

The sad thing about being alive is that even if we refuse to live, the world would keep on spinning. Sometimes, I find myself intolerably selfish when I wished the world would end with me. It’s something I’ve always imagined – what if the world revolved around one person? What would happen to the rest of us when that person gets tired of carrying on?

I thought of Kai and how much he made me happy. I thought of Minho, the sun of my planet. I realized that is possible for a world to revolve around one person, only I had it in reverse. Some people are so important, so imperative in your life that losing them could literally make your world stop spinning.

In a span of hours, I felt like I’ve cried so much. Hordes of emotions kept battling inside my head, begging me to make a choice as if I could just pick one. I could not. The more I cannot, the more I resent myself.

Newton’s Third Law of Motion is also the law of consequences. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I had my decision. My action has been decided since the moment I fell in love with Minho. The consequences already lie ahead. It’s time to face the music.

But I couldn’t move. Didn’t move. I refused to move just yet. I wanted to revel in immobility.

\--------------

I'm having the same moment as Taemin. This is my favourite story so far for many reasons. First, this is the first one I've written in the first person POV, which greatly challenged me. Second, this is a very personal story. I've spilled out parts of myself in the story. Third, you readers are so receptive and encouraging. Although I know I have mistakes all over the story, (I have no beta reader and my editing skills are biased) you rarely seem to mind. It's nice that you've liked this story too and I feel like I've made personal connections to all of you. /creys

Anyway, enough with the sentimentality. Final chapter and epilouge will be posted over the weekend. See you until then!


	26. Estranged

Estranged (adj.)

\- Sometimes, love can alienate us.

I grew up thinking I could fix anything. I was under the impression that every problem, no matter how absurd or reasonable must contain in them a semblance of logical mechanism that can help us solve them. There are no real problems in the world, I told myself. And for a good while I convinced myself that this was the case. I tried living my life knowing that when things go bad, it can get better.

I wanted to believe that still.

It has been a long day, my parents had left and Victoria came back to stay with me. I still refused to see Minho. Jinki dropped by, carrying a message from Minho. I opened the note, and it read:

I know you’re grieving. Maybe I’m not the one you need right now, and I respect. Know that I am here when you need a shoulder to cry on. I miss you.

I wish I could hug you right now and kiss away the pain you’re feeling.

Be strong, my Taemin. People don’t really die because they always live in our memories.

I love you.

I folded the note neatly and tucked it under my pillow. The doctor said I can go back home tomorrow. I looked forward to sleeping in the comfort of my room. I slept that night, not thinking about anything. My head was a quiet space.

***

Finally, I was in my own room. After I was released from the hospital, I was immediately ushered home to rest more. However, unlike the day before, I was restless and edgy. I slept only for a few minutes and when I woke up, I texted Minho right away, asking him to come over.

Once he arrived, he went running to me. I was still in bed, reading a book when he kissed me on the cheek and hugged me carefully. I didn’t respond to his kiss or hug, and he realized that. His happy and excited face contorted into a teetered and uneasy expression.

“Tae, what’s wrong?” he asked me as he sat down beside me. I rested my head on his shoulder and did not say anything for a few minutes. You can say that I was trying to gather my courage, or searching for the right words to say. But the truth was, I just wanted to linger on the warmth that Minho exudes. It was numinous, staying like that with him, even only for a few minutes. I needed that feeling of being close to Minho because the simple truth is I love him.

“I love you,” I softly told him.

He drew me in closer and felt his heart rate speed up. “I love you too, Taemin. So, so much,” he responded. “This is the first time you told me you love me,” he added.

It was the first time… it may also be the last.

“How is Kibum?”

“Unsurprisingly demanding. He’s doing so much better. Although he has to wear a cast for a few weeks.”

“Do you trust me, Minho?” I segued.

“Of course. Isn’t that a package deal? You cannot love someone you do not trust.”

“I have to tell you something… and when I do I don’t want you to ask any questions until I am done. Do you understand?”

Minho nodded hesitantly. “What is about Tae? You sound ominous.”

“It’s about Kai… my son.” I saw his jaw drop open. It was time to tell him the truth.

And the truth I did tell. I told him everything, every detail I can remember. Every point of view I could muster, every reason I can imagine, and every feeling I’ve felt. I spared him nothing, wanting him to know as much as I did. Minho trusted me, and in return I must trust him that whatever is going to transpire is done with my trust in him completely intact.

He still had that look of disbelief even after I was done telling him the whole story. I saw him struggle into finding the right words to say in response. I could not blame him though, the premise of the story does sound absurd.

“So you mean to say that he’s gone for good?” he asked, still with a smidgen of incredulity in his voice. I nodded tentatively.

“And he came back from the future because you’re heartbroken… over me?” he asked again, but this time there was a certain amount of smugness that radiated from him.

In response, I nodded again.

“We’re together now, aren’t we? I’m sure Kai would be happy, wherever he is.”

Minho’s response made me angry, “Excuse me?”

“I mean, Kai got what he wanted. We’re happily together now. All things are the way it is.”

“Only it isn’t, Minho,” I huffed, “How can you be so narrow-minded?! What part of ‘he’s gone for good’ do you not understand? Don’t you even have a tiny sense of remorse for what happened?” I asked angrily.

“Why would I? He’s back to future isn’t he?”

That hit me. Still, even after explaining my perspective of the story, Minho still sees things his way. His romanticism and optimism mires his sense of judgment.

“He’s not. He is erased from this world – the present and future. Can’t you see Minho, we killed him. Our love killed him…”

Minho seemed to finally understand it. He looked so… so defeated, and guilty, but most importantly he looked like he was expecting something worst to happen.

“Tae…” he reached out to me but I flinched. I couldn’t let myself be weak to his touches again. I couldn’t be craving for his kisses again, his kind words, and his soft voice. I couldn’t let myself be in love with him again.

“Tae,” he tried again. “You are not responsible for Kai’s death.”

But it wasn’t just that. It was not a sense of responsibility that made me decide to do this.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be responsible for his life,” I replied.

Minho started to shake his head, his eyes threatening tears. “No, Tae. You can’t mean it… you can’t… I… I love you.”

“And I do too. But this isn’t the right time.”

He snatched my hands and held it. “It is the right time when you’re with the right person.”

“Not always, Minho. We cannot do this. Do it for me, Minho. Let go of me.”

“Never.”

“Please.”

“I love you. You can’t expect me to give up on people I love.”

“No. I expect you to let go of people you love when they ask you to.”

We were silent for a moment. Our backs were turned. I heard Minho cry. I wanted to hug him and tell him that I’ll always love him, but I didn’t want to be unfair to him because I love him. That’s what love is – it’s not a paradise of fair-weathered days and blissful moonlit evenings. Love is primitive, it is frighteningly lonely.

“This is the only way,” I told him. “I must marry Kai’s mother. This is the only way I could save him.”

“Is that what you’re going to say to yourself when you’re alone at night? When you’re hurting? When you’re regretting?” Minho asked me.

“No… I’ll tell myself that I was happy once. That I loved. That you made me see things differently. I will tell myself that you loved me and I loved you and for a time we were at our happiest. I will think about the way you smile, the way you hold me… I’ll think of the ways you changed me for the better. When I close my eyes I’ll only see your face and hear your laugh. I’ll imagine being beside you and feel your warmth. I love you not because you made me feel special. I have always felt special and never needed anyone to fulfil that. I love you for taking me in your life, despite the fact that I am too much of a headache. You were the only person brave enough to climb the high towers of my unreachable pride and courageous enough to slay my inner dragons. I love you because for the very first time I’ve felt happier beyond words, beyond anything I have felt before. You were my delight, my ecstasy, my daily dose of escape and insanity. Thank you, too for the thing you’ve shared with me. Thank you for sharing with me the marvellous sunset views at the old room of our building, for those late night text messages and gallons and gallons of ice cream, even though you are not keen on them. Thank you for always fetching me back to the real world when I am falling apart into my world of science. Thank you for being there for me and for always making me feel secured and validated. Thank you for being the one person I can always trust my heart, hopes and dreams with. Thank you for everything that I did not thought you did to me, but did so, for the things I never thought you’d do for me and for the things which you always do for me. Thank you for being patient with my shortcomings. Thank you for the kind words, the sweet melodies and the silence that you’ve shared with me. Thank you for letting me hold your heart into the palm my hands.”

Minho laughed bitterly. “Then I will do the same, Taemin. I’ll love you. Always. Let us hold on to that.”

“I don’t know why we both need hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go. It’s like we are scared to lose what we really don’t have. You said that you’d rather have that something than absolutely nothing. But the truth is, we both know love just isn’t enough. To have this love halfway there is harder than not having it at all.”

“There are ways that love can survive. We just have to fight for it. Not give up on it. My god, Tae. We can face this together.”

“If the stars, as you always believed that brought us together, had been right there could have been so much more. But since I am not willing to take the risk, I’ll just have to leave it as is. I guess when things aren’t meant to be, you feel it. And the truth stares at you in the face, and you have no other choice but to let go.”

Minho didn’t answer for a while. He stood from where he was seated and started to walk towards the door, but not before saying something. “You say the word and you know I will. I’ll be there for you. I love you. Remember that. If you need some time, I really don’t mind. I just want you to know that I don’t hold on to the tail of your kite. I’m not like some people, Tae. I believe that I am worth coming home to. And I believe you are too. Believe that Tae.”

When Minho started to walk, I stood up and ran towards him. I cupped his face and felt his tears on my hands. I kissed him hard and desperately, and he did the same.

This is the end of it, of this love. I told myself that from that day on, everything will be different. I will grow distance to him. Not because of hatred, not because of indifference, but fear. I fear that the hurt will get greater if we remain closer; I recognize now that I have a tendency to fall deeply. And consequently drown in a quicksand of stupid irrationalities. I am smarter than that. Sometimes, what drives one away is not the absence of emotion, but the overwhelming presence of it.

It was our last kiss before we said goodbye.

From strangers we were, we are strangers again.

\----------


	27. Epilogue: Prospect

Prospect (n.)

\- Make things happen.

I was sitting in my laboratory, reading my old diary I had written for the purpose of documenting Kai in my life. I was so engrossed reading it and I couldn’t help but smile with it, laugh with it, and get tingly with it.

It’s been 20 years since that day. Jinki and Luna are happily married now. Jinki is now a world-renown surgeon specializing in neurosurgery. Luna is a dedicated housewife taking care of their children, Amber and Donghae. I am proud of Jinki for his feats and innovations in the medical world.

Victoria is married too, but her family still lives with us. She just couldn’t let me go, she told me. Although she had children of her own, she still finds time to treat me like a child, which I am grateful for.

My parents are still living with me. They are now older, but nothing less than sharper. Although they’ve both retired in their respective fields, their counsel and input are still sought after. They are enjoying each other, which is a good thing.

As for me, I’m still me. I’ve married Krystal three years after uncle Taesun died. in turn, I inherited both my father’s and mother’s companies which I successfully merged. Although I was CEO by name, I still devoted my time with science and let my trusted and capable staff run the company for me. 15 years after I graduated college, I was finally able to find the formula for my time travel machine. I was awarded a Nobel Prize the year after that.

I haven’t spoken to Minho since we’ve broken up but I still hear news of him. He’s an award-winning literary author. I’ve brought and read all his books, hoping that someday I will hear those words in his stories told to me. I miss him terribly and consistently. Not a day goes by without me wanting to call him or see him. But I held on to my promise.

I promised that I won't change things anymore, that I'll let things be. I promised myself that no matter what, Kai must be born the way he was intended to be.

I still keep close contact with Kibum. Over the years, we’ve become terrific friends and he keeps my Minho urges at bay. I’m guessing he does the same thing to Minho too. I am thankful for his understanding and support.

As I flipped the pages, a piece of paper came out. It was the note Minho gave to me when I was at the hospital. I picked it up and got teary-eyed as I read it again. Just then, I heard a loud crash at the room beside my lab. I smiled.

I sent a message to Jinki and Kibum, which said: It is time.

I went up and waited for them in the sitting room. Jinki and Luna arrived first. I hugged Luna first, then Jinki. “I’m so proud of you,” he told me which only made me want to bawl my eyes out.

After a few minutes upon the arrival of the Lee couple, Kibum came in. “Taemin!” he exclaimed as he went to hug me. He held on to me for a few seconds, until I felt someone tap my shoulders.

“Hey, shouldn’t I be the one suffocating him with my hug?”

It was Minho.

I couldn’t hold back the tears and I started to cry. He did too. He went to hug me and oh, how I missed it. Damning propriety, I kissed him full. And he kissed back.

“You came back,” I said as we were done kissing.

“I never left, Tae. I told you I won’t let go,” he replied.

“Thank you,” I replied meaningfully. “Now, let’s go down and welcome Kai, I’m sure time travelling can make one so terribly hungry and grumpy. And I might have locked the door so he must be panicking by now.”

There was a collective laughing in the room. And for the first time in 20 years, I really let myself smile unreservedly.

All was well. Things are just the way it is. I am happy.

\-----------------

Closing notes:

Firstly, thank you for all your support! You were all terrific readers and your input and reactions are highly-valued and appreciated. It's been a wonderful six months with you guys and I hope to see you again in my next story. (Shameless plugging. YOLO.)

Secondly, I just want to tell you why I wrote the ending as such. Taemin felt like he needed to let things be, which means he had to let the future happen if only to give Kai a chance to go back to the past. If and when he stayed with Minho and decided to reproduce Kai in some other way, the Kai he knew from before would inadvertently change. The future would change, and so will the past. He would not risk that because he loves Kai too much. He loves Minho, too, but he was hoping that their love would be enough to keep them faithful to each other. And it did. So, good for you, Taemin and Minho.

Special thanks to Rawr27 for the poster of this story. Thank you too for those who commented on almost every chapter. It would not have been the same if you didn't. And lastly, for those who have upvoted this giant babble, thank you. 

So yeah. I'm feeling all the feels right now. I have a Tumblr, if you want to scream and or flail with me over basically everything. :)


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